There'll Be Days Like This

No one quite understands what it's like to go from zero to 2 kids without the time to adjust to the idea of having a kid, like a foster parent who doesn't have bio kids does. Even step parenting is different since the kid knows at least their bio parent.

Pregnancy takes almost 10 months to grow a child that parents have the time to wrap their head around. And that's one kid...usually. And people go all crazy trying to help prepare you. People usually bring meals over after the baby is born. People reach out and offer to help with laundry, cleaning the house, etc. At least people at my church do.

Except...no one did for us. No one offered to come help me. No one offered to set up a meal plan for us to help take some of the burden off of us while we adjusted to being parents. Because well...I guess we don't seem like we need the help since we don't have a newborn. I guess we don't matter quite as much since these aren't technically our kids yet. Since we didn't conceive, carry, or give birth to these kids, our journey isn't one that gets to be celebrated. We didn't get a baby shower. It worked out that Baby J's first birthday party was shortly after we got him, though. I also had a couple friends donate some clothing for him. For those things I am grateful. These kids aren't going without, which I appreciate, but that's only part of it.

What about the aspects that people don't think about? What about the fact that we are raising kids that we know nothing about? We don't know their family history. We don't even know who Baby J's father is. We have to leave medical history blank. What about the fact that we now have not one but TWO kids within a 4 month period? They're not infants, but they're both toddlers, exactly 13 months a part. I know my mom did it. I know my aunt did it. Kudos to them. It isn't an easy feat. They also had 10  months to prepare for the second baby on the way. I had a day. I had a few hours to prepare for Baby J entering our life. I had a day to prepare for Sister J entering our life. We're still adjusting and adapting. We're doing the best we can. Our social worker thinks I'm a rock star. The kids' social worker forgets that we're new to fostering because of the good job we're doing. The kids' guardian ad litem is constantly telling me how happy she is with how the kids are doing. I appreciate all of those ladies so much...but it's so difficult to do this on a daily basis when the people in our lives don't seem to get it.

This situation is NOT the same as giving birth to a child or two close together. It's so much more difficult in a lot of ways. I have to confront demons from their past that I can't even put a name or face to. There are days when all I can do is shove Baby J up my shirt to give him skin to skin time because he is SO out of sorts, and I have no idea why. There are times when Sister J says, "Mommy! Don't hurt my face!" and I just have to reassure her that Mommy and Daddy are NOT going to hurt her face. We're not going to hurt her at all. That we LOVE her.

Most days, these kids are the happiest of kids. I know they feel safe here. I know they know they're loved. However, these kids also have pasts that even their social worker don't know about. They've felt abandoned, alone, scared, hurt, etc. It makes some days very challenging for me. There are days where I've jokingly, but almost seriously, asked Vance to come home because I was going to lose it.

Motherhood is difficult at times. I get that. I'm ok with it. I'm not afraid of a challenge. I never have been. This is who I am DESTINED to be. God has this entire situation in his hands. I know this. I know these kids are MEANT to be with us. I am SO thankful these kids are in my life. I am not the same person I was before I met them. They've changed me for the better. They removed a dark veil from over my heart and filled my days with sunshine. However, there are days, days like today, that I struggle. I get overwhelmed. I just need a moment. It doesn't help that we all have pretty gross colds, and I could really use a shower...which I'll get at nap time.

I know today will be better. Vance will get home from work. We're going to church for a children's ministry volunteer meeting. My dad is going to watch the kids for us so we can both attend. A nice little hour and a half break will do me wonders. Nap time will do me wonders...especially since I'll get that shower.

"Mama said there'll be days like this...there'll be days like this my mama said..."

I Posted This On Facebook Today

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Just an FYI: We totally LOVE and appreciate that SOOOO many people care about us and want to know where we are with our fostering to adopt journey. I PROMISE that as soon as we hear from our social worker about our application, THE WHOLE WORLD will know! (Well, at least our whole world will know!) Thanks for loving us and wanting to be a part of our journey! 

Sadly, we have no new news to share. There are only 4, yes FOUR, people in the entire state of NC (100 counties) that read through and can approve/reject foster care applications. They do a very thorough and good job in the review process, which is why it takes so long! We have no doubt we will be approved, though! We are hoping it is any day now, but it could, in all reality, be next month until we hear anything! Thanks for hanging in there with us! Keep on praying! 

Hurry Up and Wait

My husband has always told me that his father, being a military man, raised in a military family, has always had the "hurry up and wait" mentality. This means that if he's only five minutes early, he's actually late. He'd rather get somewhere excessively early and wait, than be "on time" or GASP, even late! My mother-in-law is like that, but not to the same extreme. The hubs has become less and less a hurry up and wait kind of guy since he knows I like to be early, but not super early! (Thank goodness!!!) I love my in-laws, but the hurry up and wait thing drives me a bit bonkers! Then again, my parents tend to be the five minutes late kind of people, which also drives me a bit bonkers! (I'm a five minutes early kind of gal!)

That leads me to foster care. Oh foster care...how I loathe your LONG and tedious process! We're currently in the hurry up and wait phase. Everything is done and submitted with our application and such. We can't do anything now to speed up the process. We've crossed every "t" and dotted every "i." We've signed every last paper. We've checked off every box. So what do we do now?

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We wait.

Since ancient times no one has heard,

no ear has perceived,

no eye has seen any God besides you,

who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

Isaiah 64:4 (NIV)

Progress!

What's going on with the foster to adopt process you may be thinking? (If not, will you at least pretend you're interested??)

Well...we've made progress! Our social worker sent us our homestudy bio to proofread. Oh my word. It is LONG...and full of errors. Oi vey. Between typos, mixed up info, and inaccurate info, I found 30 corrections. That doesn't include grammar or flow issues.

My two favorite oopsies include one about my Great Grandma Sweetie who passed away last August and one involving Vance.

1. Our social worker wrote that my Great Grandma Sweetie's name is Betty "Sweetie" White. I laughed for a good couple of minutes at that one. My great grandma is Betty White?!?! That is fantastic!!!

Granted, I prefer that my great grandma be who she was, but I LOVE that our social worker put that her name was Betty White! Here's my response to her via email, "This one made me laugh really hard! (In a good way!) My great grandma's name was Juanita "Sweetie" Bumgardner. We always called her the Betty White of the family because of Rose Nyland from Golden Girls, who Betty White played."

I was like...20 here. Possibly 19. 

2. Our social worker also wrote that Vance, my husband, is proud that he smoked pot. My hubs texted me saying, "For the record, I am NOT proud of smoking pot in the past!" We both got a good kick out of that! "Give us other addicts' kids! I'm proud of my pot smoking days!" Yeah...that'd send mixed messages! I responded saying, "I think it might be better if it said, 'He stated that it is something that he is NOT proud of, but it is something that did happen.' ;-)"

I haven't heard back from our social worker, but last we heard, she was working on the other portion of our application and should be done this week! YAY!! When it's all typed up and looked over, it can be submitted...FINALLY!

Please say a prayer or two for us! The "end" of the foster care application process is almost done!

What Makes A Mother?

With Mother's Day quickly approaching, it has me thinking about what TRULY makes a mother.

Is a mother someone who merely gives birth? Are you a mom once you conceive? Are you a mom as soon as you adopt? Are you a mother only when the child is legally yours?

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Merriam-Webster defines "mother" as the following:
Mother (noun)
1. a female parent
3. maternal tenderness of affection

Mother (adjective)
1b. bearing the relation of a mother

Mother (transitive verb)
2. to care for or protect like a mother

By all of the above definitions, am I a mother? Yes and no. Since I can remember, I've always mothered children...or even my siblings and cousins. (Sorry guys!) My nicknames when I was little were "the boss" and "little mother." (Among others!) I'm the oldest of all the grandchildren on both sides. Mothering comes naturally to me. I've nannied for a few families now, always treating the children just like I'd treat my own. I've loved them and cared for them just like I would my own children. I've accidentally been called mom by a couple of them, though I didn't tell their mom's for fear of hurting their feelings! However, I am not a parent. Can I be a mother without being a parent?

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Obviously, if you've read my blog for any amount of time or if you know me in person, you know I do not have children. I've yet to be able to conceive. We're applying to foster to adopt, though, which means we will be foster parents and adopt children that become "legally free" for adoption while in our care. We are also eligible to adopt children that become available for adoption without going into foster care, though that process is a little different. Do I become a parent once our application for foster care is approved? Do I qualify as a mother once a child is "placed" with us? Do I have to wait until I legally adopt a child to be considered a mother? Where's the line drawn? When do I get to be a mother???

My answer? NOW.

I am a mother now. At this very moment. As I type these words. I. Am. A. Mother. Period. End of story.

Again, how can I be a mother without having any kids? I pondered on that a good while, actually. I've come to the conclusion that just because I don't have my baby YET, doesn't mean I am not already a mother. God has a plan for me. God has gone ahead of me and prepared a baby, MY baby, for me. Because of that, I am already a mother, even though my baby isn't in my arms, yet.

I like what Wendy, from Disney's Peter Pan, says about what makes a mother.


Well a mother, a real mother, is the most wonderful person in the world;
She's the angel voice that bids you goodnight
Kisses your cheek, whispers, "Sleep tight."

Your mother and mine
Your mother and mine

The helping hand that guides you along
Whether you're right, whether you're wrong

Your mother and mine
Your mother and mine

What makes mothers all that they are?
Might as well ask, "What makes a star?"
Ask your heart to tell you her worth
Your heart will say ,"Heaven on earth."
Another word for divine,
Your mother and mine.

Birth mother. Adoptive mother. Foster mother. Pregnant mother. Step mother. Mother of a baby born sleeping. Future mother. All are mothers, regardless of the way they achieved their motherly status.

I don't expect anyone to recognize me this Sunday on Mother's Day. I won't receive any Mother's Day cards or presents. I won't be given any handprints, homemade cards, or flowers.  By society's definition, I am not a mother. I am just a woman who hasn't been able to conceive, who hasn't adopted, and has no legal rights to any child in the whole wide world.

However, I know in my heart that I AM a mother. I know God has predestined me to be a mother. He instilled DEEP within my spirit and my heart the desire to be a mother. He has given me the passion to mother. God CREATED me a mother, so pardon me while I give society a big ole "screw you" and continue singing the above song...KNOWING it's about me.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I'd like to preface this post by saying
1. Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes popped into my head, but I didn't recognize it, so I had to Google it.
2. I am not a David Bowie fan, but apparently I've heard this song in my upbringing. Thanks Mom and Dad. I'm guessing you guys are the ones who exposed me...even though I didn't realize it.
3. This post isn't about this stupid song.

Now that that's out of the way...onto the real deal.
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The hubs and I have known each other for almost four years and have been married almost three years. This thought astounds me, because I feel like I just met him yesterday. (In a good way!) Three years sounds like an awfully long time to me, but to think that three years has passed seems impossible. I didn't walk down the aisle and become a Bailey three years ago! That's crazy! I only just said, "I do" yesterday...right? How in the world did three years pass without me knowing it? Odd.

However, when I really start to think about it, three years must have passed. All of those moments when an hour felt like a lifetime and a month felt like an eternity. Those moments where I wondered if I would get my period or if I would get a positive sign on one of the countless pregnancy tests I took. Those agonizing minutes to see the test results felt like three years instead of three minutes. Then to see the negative yet again, making time stand still, just briefly, while greif consumed my heart, body, and spirit. All of those weeks and months of Depression while trying to process what was going on with our bodies. Being judged by doctors who didn't want to help us, because I'm not insured. Being told that if we lost weight, things would be easier. Being told that "Maybe God isn't ready for you to be parents, yet." Being told by an aunt, in front of a lot of family members, that she shouldn't have to help pay for my pregnancy with her tax dollars if by some miracle, I finally were to get pregnant. Having my sister go toe to toe with said aunt while I bawled in my grandma's guest room and called my mom who fumed with anger about the whole situation. Then having an extended family cousin show me love and compassion when I needed it the most. All of this, of course, on one of the hardest days for me (at that time)...my cousin's baby shower day. All of those moments, when added up, feel much longer than three years. They feel like thirty years. They've aged me emotionally. All of those moments that, at the time, felt like they'd never end, changed me.

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Did they change me for the better or did they change me for the worse? I dare say, I don't know. I just know I'm different now than I was before all of this. I sometimes long for the times when I dreamed of being pregnant. I don't dream that dream much anymore. I've accepted the fact that I may never conceive/carry a child. Most days, I'm ok with it, as long as I get my babies through adoption. But some days, when I recall the joy I had over the idea of feeling a baby, MY baby, move inside of me...man...I long for the ability to dream that dream again. I wish my heart wasn't so calloused to the idea of it all. I wish I was that naive, at times. I just wish I could keep dreaming the dream that my heart so desires.

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But I can't. I just can't. I can't, and I won't allow myself to be that naive anymore. It hurts too much when that dream doesn't reach culmination. It doesn't make sense to allow myself the luxury of the dream of being pregnant, because let's face it, it may never happen. Obviously, there's still a possibility that it may happen for us one day, but I can't and don't allow myself to think like that anymore, because right now, it's just not going to happen.

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So...again with the changes. Am I better off for having my "battle scars" or am I worse for the wear? In some ways, I know I am stronger. I've been to Hell and back, emotionally, and I'm still here. I KNOW that my God is going before me to prepare a future for me that will knock my socks off. God has me (us) in the palm of his hand, and I know he has great plans for us. On the other hand, I have buried a portion of my heart. I've buried one of my greatest desires, because it is too painful to let it live freely in the daylight. It's something I only allow myself to ponder in the wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep, because only then, in a half sleep, half dream state, is it safe to dream real dreams.

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The battle scars, fear, and hurt does not define who I am or what I am about. I won't let it. I REFUSE it. It isn't something that is allowed to determine WHO or WHOSE I am. I will not be bitter because of the hand I'm currently playing with!

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I CHOOSE joy. I CHOOSE patience. I CHOOSE love. I CHOOSE to take these past three years and change for the better. I CHOOSE to let God protect my heart, but also keep me vulnerable. I CHOOSE to keep on keeping on and to face adversity hand in hand with my husband, surrounded and protected by our God. Why? Because he's got this, and I trust him to come through for me.

(Source ?)

I Want Out of This Stinking Hallway

I took an unscheduled hiatus...again. I just haven't had a lot to say. Life just keeps on rolling. I keep rolling with those punches. Proverbial, of course.

Our social worker is almost done typing up our home study to be submitted to the State! Hallelujah!  This process is ridiculously long, in case you were wondering. Oh and the whole adoption home study thing is another story. We had to postpone meeting with our adoption worker. Which reminds me, we need to reschedule that ASAP! We honestly can't wait for all this bureaucratic nonsense to be over. We just want our baby(ies) dang it! I/we still have our moments when we wonder why in the world it has to be such a long, drawn out process for us to get our babies, while some people get pregnant "on accident." However, we keep trusting God and praying that he handles it all.

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We had a discussion a couple of days ago when I was feeling a bit frustrated/down trodden. I basically expressed to the hubs how I wished everything would suddenly come easily to us once we're approved for fostering/adopting, but how I was extremely doubtful since NOTHING has been easy since we've started trying to expand our family. His reply was that I am only doubting because up until now, nothing has come easy, but that something's got to give eventually. I KNOW that all of this will be worth it in the long run, but man oh man, when you keep knocking on doors and they keep staying closed, it feels like you've ALWAYS been in that stinking hallway! We've been in this particular hallway for almost three years now. If this hallway had a name, it would be "The BLASTED Hallway of Infertility" or aka "My Personal Hell." True, we've moved from one end of the hall to another because we've come from "we can't seem to conceive" to "we're going to foster to adopt," but at the same time, the "foster to adopt" door is still closed until we get submitted, approved, then approved a few more times along the way to adoption. It's a long, drawn out process, which frankly doesn't make a lot of sense in some ways. But I digress. I can't change the system. I can't even change my own mind about trusting God because what sense does that even make?

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I/we gave God full control over this situation. Who in the world am I to question his ways??? I've recently been having some personal Job moments in my mind. It's the part of the book when Job begins to finally break down and question God and his ways. (Job lost everyone and everything but his wretched wife and his obnoxious friends.) The same phrase keeps playing in my mind. It's one of the first things God asks Job after Job has his little meltdown.

God says, "Where were you when I created the earth?"

I then have a humbling, meek moment of "Oh yeah...you did do that...oops..." God gave Job a tongue-lashing to say the least! Below is a short part of the lengthy response God gave Job. It's found in Job 38-42. (This is in The Message version.)

“Why do you confuse the issue?
    Why do you talk without knowing what you’re talking about?
Pull yourself together, Job!
    Up on your feet! Stand tall!
I have some questions for you,
    and I want some straight answers.
Where were you when I created the earth?
    Tell me, since you know so much!
Who decided on its size? Certainly you’ll know that!
    Who came up with the blueprints and measurements?
How was its foundation poured,
    and who set the cornerstone,
While the morning stars sang in chorus
    and all the angels shouted praise?
And who took charge of the ocean
    when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb?
That was me! I wrapped it in soft clouds,
    and tucked it in safely at night.
Then I made a playpen for it,
    a strong playpen so it couldn’t run loose,
And said, ‘Stay here, this is your place.
    Your wild tantrums are confined to this place.’

(Click here to read the whole passage for a true butt-kicking!)

When I get stuck in the moments of questioning God, it's so humbling when these chapters come to mind. Where WAS I when he created the earth? I wasn't even thought of yet, right? Wrong. I was. God saw me. He went before more. He made a way, HIS way, for me before the beginning of time. God spoke me into existence. He knows me. He created me. He has great plans for me. He will never let me down.

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Did You Miss Me?

I know I haven't blogged in quite some time, but I had a lot going on.

I had to grieve for my Great Grandma. I had to grieve for my fertility a bit in silence. (This will be a life long grief, but it's a sweeter grief now that God has full control over my sorrow! AMEN!) I needed some peace and quiet from the blogging community, which I was allowing to be my only outlet for myself. I have a better control over myself and my emotional outlets. I cry less. I talk more. To my hubs. To a couple of ladies who have reached out to me. To my mom. To my sister, Hannah, who is the first to cry with me if I need her to. She doesn't always understand, being that we're nine years a part and she's just now about to enter into young adult hood, but she loves me, so she hurts when I hurt. (Hannah: You have a sweet heart. Don't lose it. You mean more to me than you'll ever know. Thank you for being you.)

We've moved exponentially in our foster to adopt licensing process! We took the MAPP class from September until October. We became CPR/First Aid certified for infants-adults in November. We had our first home visit and our second home visit/application filling out visit. We filled out our individual questionnaires and had our individual interviews based on our questionnaires. We have our twin bed, our twin bed bedding, our dresser, hangers for baby/toddler clothing (to prove we have closet space for each child,) and car seats. We even have strollers, a baby swing, a travel swing, tons of newborn-4T clothing for both girls and boys, a bouncer (very pink, but who cares?), an expedit bookcase, some cloth diapers, crib sheets, a crib quilt, etc.

We currently need:

• Crib (getting this tonight for an amazing deal on Craigslist!)
• Crib Mattress (getting this tonight with the crib!)
• Individual Physicals/TB Tests (Getting those around the middle of the month)
• Fire Extinguisher (Getting this hopefully early this month)
• Carbon Monoxide Detector (Getting this hopefully early this month)
• Fire Inspection 
• One More Home Inspection (To make sure we have beds/bedding)

The list may seem long for our needs, but honestly, they should all be done before the end of February, so hopefully we'll be fully licensed by the end of March! (Here's hoping anyway!) Keep praying for us!!!

Check out a future (soon) post for a preview of what the nursery looks like at this moment! (It's a work in progress! Ha!)

xo,

A

Currently Listening To: When The Tears Fall by The Swift

Currently Reading: Love You More: The Divine Surprise of Adopting My Daughter by Jennifer Grant

Currently Watching: Army Wives and Supernatural via Netflix

My Heart Aches For Them

So much heart ache has happened this week...for other people.

If you know me in person or if you've read my blog for a good while, you know I am a sarcastic, in your face, opinionated sweetheart. What you might not know, though, is that I am super sensitive, especially to other people's pain. I tend to take on what other people are feeling and bear the burden as if it were my own. It has made me into a better pray-er, but it doesn't do good things for my migraines.

Anyway, I say all this because the last few days have SUCKED in relation to other people's heart-breaking news. SUCKED BIG TIME.

Wednesday, the people I nanny for had a doctor's appointment. They hadn't told me directly, but I knew they were pregnant. When they got home, I knew they were no longer pregnant. I looked at this couple and saw sadness in both of their eyes. Then M (the wife) started crying in the living room. S (the husband) obviously was trying to keep it together as Max, their 2 year old son, was just happy/surprised to see them home so early. I gave M a hug and she cried and said, "Thank you." I didn't say much to her except, "I am so sorry." There really isn't anything you can say to someone who just lost their last chance of having another child. (According to something M said previously, this is their last round of IVF.) Please pray for them, if you're a praying person.

Then yesterday, I read a blog post of a wonderful woman named Ashley. I've posted links to her blog Feigning Fertility, before, but this link isn't as wonderful. Please read it in it's entirety. (Seriously. Do it.) She is currently pregnant with a "miracle" baby, but there is something "wrong." There may be nothing but a scare, but she doesn't seem to think so. (Make your own opinion by actually reading the blog post I linked to.) Either way, this is an incredibly scary time for her and her husband, Mike, so please keep them in your prayers as well.

xo,
A

TTC Update 7-12-12

Psch. I have basically nothing to say.

We aren't pregnant...shocker, right? We don't know if we'll ever be pregnant. I have only a slight glimmer of hope in the forefront of my mind that we will ever BE pregnant. I've pretty much accepted that if we do get pregnant, it'll be a miracle...also known as a God-ordained life event. I'm ok with that...most days. I can't say that I'm "over it" because, for goodness' sake, this isn't something you just "get over." It's my life. My body. My lack of conceiving a child.

But it's ok. It's ok because even though I cry when I think too long about it, even though I am ok most days and only have a couple of rough days every other month or so, even though I still battle the green-eyed monster whenever someone gets pregnant "on accident," I know, in my heart of hearts, that my life is not my own. Even though I am holding back tears and trying not to lose it as I type this, I am content with letting God be in control, even if that means I never get to be pregnant. That thought DOES terrify me. I think that's ok and that God's cool with it. I think He can handle my fear and sorrow over the thought of possibly never being able to carry my baby inside of me, to never experience child birth, to never feel a kick, somersault, or hiccup from within me. If God can (and does) have control over my life, he certainly can handle my insecurities, fears, doubts, and heartache. Afterall, what is a Father for?

I don't really know where we're going from here. I'm needing a doctor's visit, but between work and finances...geesh. We're going to try to get an appointment in August and discuss options. I've lost 32.4 lbs, so maybe they'll take me a bit more seriously when I say I want to have a baby. W'ell see...

Please take a gander at this post Ashley wrote back in April. She has a fantastic blog about her struggles with infertility. She adopted a daughter, carried her son, and is currently pregnant with her third child! Even though she already has kids, she's still infertile. She needs the extra help getting pregnant. She totally gets me without never having met me. I love her for her bluntness, honesty, and openness about something that so often gets ignored. Please don't ignore this link. It's important to me.

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Post Secret Moment

Thank you to the woman who remembered those of us who have yet to receive the amazing gift of motherhood, but so desperately desire it. I wish I could give you a huge hug. You've been there. You get it. You have your baby now. Yet you still took the time to remember those of us who don't yet. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Source (Front)

Source (Back)

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and all the would-be moms out there!

EDIT:
Another person I'd like to thank is the person who wrote this comment on this week's Sunday secrets post!

 Anonymous said...

For all of you lovely women who are struggling with infertility: Happy Mother's Day. My heart goes out to each of you. I'm sorry for your struggles, I appreciate the selfless battle to have a baby.
And, to you mommas of four-legged children: keep up the good work, happy animals make neighborhoods more homey!
Each woman has a nuturer inside, there are many outlets for love.

1:59 AM

Thank you!

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Down But Not Out

I don't really have a post for this blog today. I posted on my weight loss blog, though. I'd love if you read today's post and comment/follow there for today.

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Excerpt:
My fertility journey has been long, but isn't over yet. It almost feels like it's just beginning in some ways. I'm on Metformin to help in what doctors think might be PCOS. We'll see what happens. I need to be exercising. I need the exercise to help me lose weight, which can possibly aid in my fertility. Exercise also gives endorphins, which can help me feel less sad. I get it. I do. I just can't do it, yet. (See the disconnect between my head and heart?) I am broken right now. I need fixing, but most of all, right now, I need love. I need to feel loved, wanted, needed, and most of all understood. I don't need judgment or to feel neglected, forgotten, ignored, or annoying. I need to know people have my back and that they love me despite my trials.

Click here to read the entire post.

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

TTC Journey Post #745...Or Something

I've avoided this post for a bit because I know this could potentially offend or upset certain people who I know read my blog. After reflecting on my intentions of writing this post, I realized I need to blog about this. These are my feelings, and I shouldn't be afraid to share them. Before reading this post, please understand I mean no disrespect or offense to ANYONE. This is just where I am right now. My feelings have nothing to do with anyone else. I blame no one for my feelings, and I truly hope no one takes any of these things I'm about to say personally. (If you feel like you may be easily offended, please skip the portions of the text between the lines for an update on our TTC/Fertility Journey!)

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Lately I've been feeling kind of pissed off. Like not just all "woe is me, I'm not pregnant." No. I've been angry. I've been judgmental. I've been a really big jerk in my mind/heart. You may be thinking, "That doesn't sound like the Angela I know and love!" To that I reply, "Thanks for thinking so highly of me, but sometimes I can be a really big B!"

I have a few friends that are TTC. Most of them are in the first few months of the process. Every time one of them complains/shares that they aren't pregnant this month, I just want to smack them and say, "DID YOU EXPECT TO GET PREGNANT IMMEDIATELY???" When they blog/email/FB about their checklists, their ovulation prediction kits, their cycles adjusting back to normal after being on birth control, their negative tests after only a couple months of TTC, I seriously almost lose it. I get angry. I get sad. I get bitter. I think to myself, "Who are they to even be disappointed at this point in their journey? Who are they to even complain that they've been trying for three months to get pregnant and nothing has happened? Who are they to be disappointed in not having a Christmas pregnancy? I have had TWO Christmases pass without a pregnancy. I have had 19 months, almost two YEARS pass without a pregnancy. How dare THEY feel sorry for themselves for not getting pregnant after a few months when I've been trying to get pregnant for SO MUCH LONGER!"

Then I realize, who am I to think that MY journey is so much more difficult than theirs? Who am I to pass judgment on those other women? Who am I to discredit their moments of sorrow? Who am I to be so angry with others who are going through the same thing I am? No matter how long someone else may be going through something, they're still going through it. True, I have had to endure heartache for a longer amount of time, but in some ways, I'm emotionally better off than some of those women who are just starting their journey.

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I still get irritated when I'm having a low moment/day, but I am truly working on my heart. I want my heart to be in line with Christ's. I don't think it's possible to be in tune with Jesus when there's malice living in my heart. Since I cannot fathom not being at ONE with Christ, I pray constantly to overcome these angry feelings and let God have full control over this situation.

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So...what's going on these days? Psch. Nothing too exciting. I've finished up a month+ of Metformin. Is it working? I'm not sure yet. It isn't one of those fast acting drugs. It takes a few months. I will say this month's period was much lighter than it ever has been, so I imagine Metformin is doing SOMETHING. I have lost some weight, but I'm not sure how much since I haven't weighed myself in a couple of weeks. 

Met has kinda screwed with me this past month. It has some yucky side affects like diarrhea and gas. Some moments/days I'm 100% fine. Some days are hellish. Being on my period and taking Met was an experience! I felt so full because of all of the gas in my belly. Every time I'd get a good burp, I could FEEL my stomach deflate a little. It was SO weird! (Sorry if this is TMI, but for those of you who have "been there" you totally get it!)

We're STILL battling the hubs' insurance with getting his swimmers tested, thus the reason he hasn't posted a follow-up about that whole experience. They have the results...we just can't get them until the stupid insurance people pay for the test!!! 

My Facebook profile is still deactivated and will remain so for a while longer. I don't miss it. I feel more at peace when I'm not constantly being reminded of everyone's pregnancies. Vance says I'm happier now that I'm not on FB. I'm kind of disappointed with how few people are actually keeping in contact with me, but that's how it goes right? Out of sight, out of mind? (Thanks to those of you who HAVE kept in touch! It means so much to me!)

Now onto some semi-exciting news. We might be adding our name to the infant adoption program in Greensboro, NC. We haven't decided yet, nor do we have nearly enough information to make a decision yet. (I'm a researcher!) Adoption is just something we both feel strongly about. (Vance's 6 younger siblings are all adopted, after all!) We're considering going ahead with getting our names on the list and all the while keeping on with our efforts at TTC. Adoption, especially infant adoption, is a crazy journey all of it's own, but it's a journey we both feel like we'll take at some point in our lives. We're unsure if THIS is the time, but we're listening and waiting for God's guiding hand at this time. I do ask for your prayers, though. This is a huge decision and a huge step! We truly don't want to go into this before God's approval!

That about covers it, for now. If you have any questions, please feel free to leave them in the comments or email me using the contact tab above! :-)

Update (1/23, 11:56am): Thank you so much for the emails I've gotten already. You all are so encouraging. Thanks for not making me feel like a royal jerk for my feelings and for understanding where I'm coming from. You guys rock. :-)

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

It's the Little Things

I wasn't going to post another entry today, but I feel like I need to. 

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine, Meg. She is such a sweet girl! I just love her like crazy! I met her through my cousin, Collin. She was his girlfriend at the time. They dated for a pretty big chunk of time. During that time, I got to know her pretty well and we stayed in touch via email and FB even after she and Collin parted ways relationship-wise.

Anyway, today, she called me out of the blue. I was actually kind of surprised to have a missed call from her. I can't really remember the last time I spoke to her on the phone or in person. It's been a good while. So, I texted her back and since she was driving, she called me back. (I love it when people don't text and drive!!!) She seriously called because she thought of me.  She called to tell me that she has acupuncture done to help with some minor health issues (it seems to be working for her, too!) and overheard a conversation about a woman using acupuncture for fertility purposes. The first person she thought of upon hearing that conversation was me. What an honor to be thought of, but what an exceptional honor to be thought of by someone whom you haven't seen in at least a couple of years!

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Meg follows my fertility issues via FB, so she isn't clueless as to what's going on with the hubs and I, but at the same time, I haven't had an active FB account in about a month. Usually with people, it's out of sight, out of mind. Apparently not with Meg. :-)

The phone call lasted only slightly over 6 minutes, but we caught up with vital info pertaining to our futures and families before Meg had to go. It was the best phone conversation I've had in a LONG time!

Meg, I don't know if you'll read this, but if you do, please know that you seriously made my day/night/week/month/year by you reaching out to me and remembering me! It means more than words can say! Love you lots!

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

TTC Update from 12/12/11

If you aren't familiar with the background info of my hubs and my journey trying to conceive (TTC) please click here and start from the beginning.

If you read my FB updates before I disabled it (until at least New Year's Day) then you'll know I had a doctor's appointment on December 12th to discuss our next step in this whole TTC journey. What I haven't talked about (with people other than my mom, sisters, and a friend or two) is what went on at the appointment.

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I will preface to say that I do not have insurance. My husband works for his father's TINY business, and we just can't afford to put me on the insurance plan. SO, judge me if you'd like, but we go to a low income clinic for my appointments. The doctors are all from a family practice and/or local hospitals, so we're not getting second class care, just second class rates...and sometimes treatment. Let me explain.

After waiting for an hour, (our appointment was at 3) we finally got to go into an examination room. There, we waited for only a couple of minutes before Dr. Cassidy's (the doctor we were referred to back at our November appointment) resident came in and asked us about all of our fertility background. He asked me about my cycle from when I was 13. I had to guess at some of the answers because how am I supposed to remember how many days my cycle was when I was 13, 14, 15, or heck even 20 years old?? I'm 26! I told him everything I knew and remembered. He was super nice, but I could tell he was slightly uncomfortable since I told him about my cervical mucous, how many times my husband and I have sex, etc. I'm sure he'll get used to it. After all, he's a doctor. Anyway, he left for a good 20 minutes. The next time the door opened, my favorite nurse, the head nurse, walked in with a blood kit. My heart sank. I REALLY didn't want a repeat of the last two times I visited there. They couldn't get any blood out!!! I was also kind of sick. I had a stomach bug Sunday/Monday. I asked her, as calmly as I could, what was going on. (Vance was in the bathroom at that time.) She explained that Dr. Cassidy advised getting blood work done. My reaction??? Well...inside I was telling myself not to cry, wondering where the heck Vance was, confused as all get out, and ANGRY that the doctor couldn't/didn't even spend ANY time talking to me before ordering tests and sending me on my way. Outside, I asked why and then asked (read:demanded) to see Dr. Cassidy. Oh and I also texted Vance to get back here. (My mom gave me huge props for demanding to see the doctor.)

The sweet nurse went and got Dr. Cassidy. She came in, introduced herself, and asked what I needed to talk to her about. At this point, I was seriously tired, sick feeling, HOT, and NOT wanting to have blood drawn...or attempted. I told her I needed more information about what kind of tests she feels like I needed, why she feels that way, and what options I had. That's when my world rattled a little. She told me she thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I racked my brain. Nothing computed. I didn't understand what that was or what that meant to me. She explained that it makes me insulin resistant. (What????) I almost broke down crying. I didn't feel well. I didn't understand. And Dr. Cassidy acted like I was inconveniencing her by requesting to see her. Her resident was super nice though. She explained that the blood test would test my thyroid, check my insulin, etc. She said my weight was a huge factor in all of this, but that if I do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, then it plays a major factor in my weight, i.e. making it easier to gain and harder to lose. (The other symptoms of PCOS that I have are a varying menstrual cycle and darkening around the armpits and groin area. I don't have the hair growth, voice deepening, thinning hair, bad acne, etc.) I still wasn't grasping it all. I felt slightly stupid quite honestly. It just wasn't computing. I just stated that I was not having blood work done that day. It was just all too much for me. She said it was fine and that I could come back any time and get it done. She also said if I do have PCOS, (P.S. I didn't know Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was the same as PCOS until later when I got home and read some stuff about it. I told you I wasn't computing.) then I  could start Metformin, a drug that helps control insulin by helping your body process it, which results in your body NOT having extra insulin, so it CAN'T be sent to the liver, which makes it so that it CAN'T be turned into body fat. I liked the sound of that. She said it will make it easier for me to continue to lose weight. (I've been working on it and doing fairly well!)

Source

Anyway, Vance asked if it is possible for me to go ahead and get a script and skip the blood work for now. Dr. Cassidy said it is possible, but that if we decided to do blood work, the meds can mask the true counts in my blood. Everyone, including Vance, was staring at me for an answer in the HOT exam room. I think I said, "I don't know." like 5 times. Then finally Dr. Cassidy said, "Well, how about we give you a few more minutes to discuss it, and you can let us know?" I agreed. I quite honestly just wanted them to all stop staring and pressuring me. They left. I broke down. I just started crying. I wasn't prepared for this news. I wasn't prepared for blood work. I wasn't feeling well. It was HOTTER THAN HADES IN THERE. I was tired. We had been there for TWO HOURS already. I was done.

So what was our decision? We didn't really make one yet. The nurse came back in and asked what we wanted to do. We told her we'd like the prescription and to go home and do more research before we decide if we want to fill it or not. Dr. Cassidy also left us some info about PCOS at the front desk. We "checked out" and went home.

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As soon as I walked in the door, I went straight into our bedroom, pulled the covers up, and cried. And cried. And cried. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I see now that I was just caught off guard. Oh and I started my period the next day. That explains a lot actually. Heh. When Vance finally convinced me to get up and get some dinner, I started reading the info the doctor gave me. (That's when I realized PCOS was short for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.) I started to be ok...well as ok as I could possibly be given the circumstances. That all went down hill a couple of hours later. I was browsing Facebook and came across a sonogram picture. I have a lot of pregnant friends, so I figured it was one of theirs. No. It wasn't. It was my husband's best friend's profile announcing their pregnancy. They've only been trying for a few months. So unfair. (Side note: I AM happy for them. I'm just not happy for me.) I was crushed. I was a little angry that they didn't have the decency to call us and tells us before broadcasting it all on FB. Then Vance told me his friend had called that morning, but we were still asleep. Regardless, the news sent me on another meltdown for a bit.

The next day, I had to go to work. I had to suck it up and deal with it. I had to move forward. That's one of the best things I could/can do. I'm still coming to terms with everything and researching about possibilities and such. We decided to go ahead with the meds and see what happens with my cycle in the next few months. Hopefully this is our ticket to pregnancy. Please keep praying for us!!

"Update:" I originally wrote this post on 12/16/11. I was in a good place and felt like I could share an update without crying through it all. [I succeeded!] Anyway, it is now 12/18, and I need to add something I saw today on Post Secret. Someone's secret they sent in could have easily been mine. It isn't mine. Nor is mine truly a secret since I write it all on a blog, but I think you'll catch my drift. 

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Post Secret also has message boards. People go to the message boards and talk about the secrets. I stumbled upon the boards while looking for the Post Secret email address (still didn't find the email addy!) Anyway, one of the responses to the post card above said something that made me cry as well as say, "YES! That person totally gets it! Well said!" Here is what the poster said...

chastarue Community Member Joined: 28 Jun 2008 Location: Colorado

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:20 pm    Post subject: Adoption is not a cure for infertility. While I see the point and it's difficult for many to understand, including myself at times, it is a completely different experience. I am a huge adoption supporter (in the process currently) but it is simply not a cure for infertility. It can be an alternative to those who have mourned the loss of their fertility and the loss to conceive biological children and have decided that this is a road they can see themselves on. But it is not a replacement nor a substitute to giving life to your own child. I wish ALL people would consider adoption, fertile or not, but I know my infertile best friend hates hearing how they should give up and adopt. Why don't people say that to "fertile" people as well?

As much as my husband and I want to adopt, it's just a completely different experience. It's nice to know that people, other than non-fertile individuals, can actually "get it!"

EDIT (12/20/11): We decided to go ahead with the Metformin for the next couple of months and see what it does for my cycle. We then may request Clomid in addition to Metformin. We'll see what happens. :-)

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Testing the Swimmers Part I--Guest Post By The Hubs

I am pleased to announce that today marks a very monumental day for Angela's Favorite Things! Today is the first guest post we've ever had. Who better to write a guest post than that author of The Vance View, my husband, the hubs, Vance? I've tried to keep you all updated on our TTC journey with the most recent info, feelings, potential conceptions, etc. Well, what has been lacking is a male prospective! I cannot express what my husband is feeling along the way any better than he can fully express what I'm feeling/thinking. In this three-part segment, Vance, the hubs, will share his point of view on our TTC efforts and his role in getting tested!


xo,
Angela

Tune in tomorrow to read Part II of this three part guest series to read about Vance's anticipation leading up to the whole testing process!

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Before my wife and I got married, we talked about the future, but the one subject that kept coming up was kids. We both wanted them. The question was when? We discussed birth control for the first year and also having kids right away. After thinking about it, I knew what I wanted. At 30 years old, I didn’t really want to wait very long. The way I looked at it was once we got married in June, it was less than two months before I was 31. If we waited a year, I would be 32 when we started trying, and I really didn’t want to be a first time father at 33 or 34. So the decision was made! We were going for it; we wouldn’t get on the birth control train. We wanted to enjoy each other, and enjoy being newlyweds, but we wanted to get pregnant too.

So off we went! For the first couple of months we didn’t worry about cycles and ovulation, or anything of that sort. Then as the weeks and months went on, we started to get a little discouraged. I secretly felt like a huge failure as a man and husband. My wife, on the other hand, went to town on the research. We both knew she wasn’t the most regular when it came to that “time” of the month, but we pressed on. Now, as any couple that has issues conceiving knows all too well, the act of making a baby stops being fun after about the fifth failed attempt and turns into pressure and disappointment. As a man, it is also a huge hit to the ego, I know that’s how I felt anyway. It started to get harder and harder to get into the mood, and I started to get very depressed. At the time, I didn't express this to anybody, not even Angela.

Then, this past summer, we really thought we were pregnant! It was well past “that” time of the month, and I just knew we had finally succeeded! We went out and bought the "family pack" of pregnancy tests, but everyday was the same...no period and a negative test. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t break every time she said negative again. We talked to a ton of people that had the same issue, store bought tests coming up negative. We needed to get a real test, but unfortunately my company’s pathetic insurance plan makes it impossible to insure my wife. We researched alternative options. We found that there are a lot of resources available if you just look. So, the next step was going to a place that specialized in this. We found a pregnancy center that was right down the street and we went right in. My hopes were quickly crushed when that test came up negative as well. At this point I wanted to dig a hole and jump in it. I was so down it wasn’t even funny, but I had to be strong, or at least I thought I did. We asked the lady in charge, Nancy, where we could get a blood drawn test for cheap. She gave us the number of a place that would do this. The name is Southside United Health and Wellness Center. After getting lost more than once, we finally found the place and went in to get the test. This was my last hope of good news, and I needed it at that point. It took around 3 days to get the results…NEGATIVE!! The disappointment on my beautiful wife’s face was almost too much to bear! I have never felt like that in my life! I wanted to scream, cry, and curse at God so bad at that point in time. My anger was close to getting the best of me. I know now that it was more hurt and sadness than anger, but hindsight is 20/20.

Our next step was making her lady exam appointment, which we did. When the day came, I went with her, and that is when the doctor gave us the name of a lab that could test my swimmers. Now I am really nervous! This ordeal has been very difficult for the both of us. But to find out it is my "fault"...that is something I don’t want to think about. So I really hope they swim like Michael Phelps, and not sink like the Greek economy.

(This post was written Nov. 7.)


Hey! Give my wife a vote for being so awesome!