So Much For That Heart Attack

I just heard from Vance who just had a conversation with DCS, that Foster Care classes don't start until September 11th now. They've reworked the schedule and didn't update the website.

In some ways, that's really good! It gives us more time to better prepare for what's to come. It also gives us more time to have our preliminary home visit and fill out our initial paperwork.

Whew. That takes a little stress off my shoulders, that's for sure!

Please pray everything goes quickly (ha!) and smoothly so we're able to get started in September. If we don't take the class in September, the next one isn't until January! AH! I don't want to wait that long, nor do I feel like we should wait that long!

Isn't it kind of funny (or odd) that my gut said September is when we should take the class...and September is when we can take the class?? I do believe that God is in this!

xo,
A

I Almost Had A Heart Attack!!

I just had a conversation with Vance about starting Foster Care classes this September. I wanted to confirm that this is still what he wants to do. I definitely still want to, but I wanted to confirm with him. He agreed. So...I went to the website to find the phone number to Social Services here, so we can call and make sure we're prepared for the classes.

This is where the heart attack sets in.

The classes do not START in September. They END in September. Classes BEGIN NEXT MONDAY!! Holy cow!!! I am SO glad I double checked the dates! Holy snot! I would be so sad if I had to wait until October to start the classes!

I still feel like we NEED to be doing this and we NEED to be doing this now.

So...apparently I got my dates mixed up. No biggie. We're just rolling with the punches of life...as usual!

Besides...who wouldn't want US as {foster} parents? That's right...no baby/kid out there!

TTC Update 7-12-12

Psch. I have basically nothing to say.

We aren't pregnant...shocker, right? We don't know if we'll ever be pregnant. I have only a slight glimmer of hope in the forefront of my mind that we will ever BE pregnant. I've pretty much accepted that if we do get pregnant, it'll be a miracle...also known as a God-ordained life event. I'm ok with that...most days. I can't say that I'm "over it" because, for goodness' sake, this isn't something you just "get over." It's my life. My body. My lack of conceiving a child.

But it's ok. It's ok because even though I cry when I think too long about it, even though I am ok most days and only have a couple of rough days every other month or so, even though I still battle the green-eyed monster whenever someone gets pregnant "on accident," I know, in my heart of hearts, that my life is not my own. Even though I am holding back tears and trying not to lose it as I type this, I am content with letting God be in control, even if that means I never get to be pregnant. That thought DOES terrify me. I think that's ok and that God's cool with it. I think He can handle my fear and sorrow over the thought of possibly never being able to carry my baby inside of me, to never experience child birth, to never feel a kick, somersault, or hiccup from within me. If God can (and does) have control over my life, he certainly can handle my insecurities, fears, doubts, and heartache. Afterall, what is a Father for?

I don't really know where we're going from here. I'm needing a doctor's visit, but between work and finances...geesh. We're going to try to get an appointment in August and discuss options. I've lost 32.4 lbs, so maybe they'll take me a bit more seriously when I say I want to have a baby. W'ell see...

Please take a gander at this post Ashley wrote back in April. She has a fantastic blog about her struggles with infertility. She adopted a daughter, carried her son, and is currently pregnant with her third child! Even though she already has kids, she's still infertile. She needs the extra help getting pregnant. She totally gets me without never having met me. I love her for her bluntness, honesty, and openness about something that so often gets ignored. Please don't ignore this link. It's important to me.

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

How Do You Know?

I've had babies/toddlers/preschoolers on the brain lately! Wait...what else is new, right? Well, lately, instead of being like "OOOO I want to buy this for our future baby!" I'm like "OOO...I bet a foster child could benefit from this!" ...Wait a minute...What? Who am I these days? That doesn't sound like me. That doesn't sound like something I could've or would've THOUGHT, let alone said aloud to Vance, my foster-care-hearted husband, 6-12 months ago.

Source

So what has changed??

For starters, my heart. God has been working in/on my heart since the moment I met Vance. Of this, I have no doubt. On our first date, he told me about how his siblings were adopted! "Great!" I thought. "I love adoption! I have a passion for adoption! Wait? What's that? Adopted through foster care? Come again?" He explained how they had fostered lots and lots of children throughout their years of living in Ohio and in Greensboro. "Interesting, but scary..." I thought. I hadn't even heard the crazy stories of children trying to eat the family cat, having to be restrained and held down in order to go to sleep, being born addicted to crack, etc. yet. (They saved those stories until AFTER Vance and I were engaged/married! Those sneaky Bailey's...)

I honestly never thought foster care would be something I was interested in. Sure, I always thought the foster parents were strong people. I always admired them. I always felt badly for the children in the foster care system. I always felt badly for the bio parents who had to work so hard (but sometimes not hard enough) to get their kids back because of mistakes they've made. I've always felt so badly for the social workers who worked WAY TOO HARD for their menial paychecks. BUT, I never felt like I would EVER...IN A MILLION, BILLION YEARS...want to become a foster parent.

Well...apparently...I was wrong. (For like the first time ever...ok...maybe second time!)

Vance mentioned to me, about a year ago, that we should look into doing foster care. I humored him, but internally, I thought, "Yeah right! I am not cut out for this! I am too young. Too unqualified. Too impatient with political garbage. Not skilled in dealing with "unbalanced" children. Not enough." (Not enough? Satan has been telling me that my ENTIRE life!!! I should have recognized those feelings of inadequacy right out off the bat, but I did not.) So, I told him I didn't feel like it was the right time for us (read: me) and that I'd consider it again in the future.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago! Vance broached the idea of foster care again...but in passing. It flipped a switch in my brain, so I looked into it and went into research mode. (Have I ever mentioned I research the crap out of things when I want to know more about it??) I found out there is a class coming up in September that is required in order to become a foster parent. 30 hours is required, plus 10 every year after that, for licensing. You also have to pass a home study, which includes a safe living environment, fire inspection, etc. You have to be able to support yourself and your family BEFORE being qualified for foster care. You can't have petitioned for emergency help with living expenses in at least a year. Etc. Etc. Etc. The foster care system is pretty intense in qualifications of becoming a foster parent. However, we meet all of the check marks we need to qualify.

Source

"Hmm..." I reflected. "Maybe it's time...Wait what??? It's time? To foster? But I've never felt like foster care was for me! What in the world is going on inside my head?" I struggled with these thoughts for a day or two, not mentioning them to Vance until I resolved some things in my head/heart and with God. (I kind of understand what it was like for Jacob to wrestle with God now...even though mine wasn't a physical encounter...and he didn't karate chop my hip!)

I feel like it is time. It's time to start this process. Vance and I have discussed it thoroughly. He's ready for kids to be in our house, whether or not we get to keep them. We definitely want to adopt through foster care. We'd prefer to only take in kids that are likely to become adoptable, but (and I'm not fully convinced of this yet) Vance said he's ok with taking in kids if it's short term, too. (My reply to this being...honey...it's foster care. You know that they may say two weeks and it turns into 8 months!) I feel not only like foster care is something we should pursue, but it's something we should pursue NOW. I feel a sense of urgency about this. Last night, I spoke to Vance about the urgency that's been placed on my heart. I told him that I'm not sure if the urgency is because our baby is coming home to us soon or because there's a child in foster care that's going to need us, but I feel like we should definitely be taking the next round of classes and get this ball rolling ASAP.

Wow! Who'd have thunk that I'd be so passionate about foster care? There is a LOT of uncertainty and a LOT of apprehension in my heart due to my own semi-fear of the unknown, BUT I do know that this is something we're supposed to do, so I have a sense of peace about it, too! Not I! We'd appreciate any happy/warm thoughts and/or prayers you guys can offer for us! 

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Be Still My Heart

Source

My heart and my mind are OVERFLOWING! I have soooo many things I need to share, but I haven't wanted to blog. I am SO stinkin' busy, it's ridiculous! Buuut, since Max is playing trains (and the little goober does NOT want me to play with him!!) I thought I'd take a few minutes to update all of my faithful (???) readers out there on what's going on in the Bailey household!

1. We moved! It went well! Out apartment is a disaster as we try to condense two years worth of HOUSE build-up into a 2/2 apartment. We definitely need an Ikea trip in the near future to take care of a couple of issues furniture wise (like a new entertainment center since what we've been using is way too big for the area in which it needs to fit!) We've used the pool at least 7 times in the last two weeks. Definitely loving that we moved in right when it got warm! When the mess is put away, I will definitely post pictures!

2. We celebrated two SPECTACULAR years of marriage! I have no pictures of the event, as we didn't make a huge tado about it! We plan on celebrating somehow later, but we don't have the extra money/time to do it right now. We both worked that day (June 19th), came home, exchanged sweet cards, had awesome homemade Asian food, went to our apartment complex's gym, swam, watched a movie, etc. It was a sweet night! I adore my husband with every ounce of my being. To me, there is no greater guy in all of eternity (excluding Jesus, of course!)

3. I gained/lost weight. Yeah. During those couple of weeks of packing/moving, we didn't cook a lot at home due to our stuff being packed/not wanting to buy a ton of food before we moved. Soo...I gained a few pounds. BUT...I've also lost a couple of them already this week. I was super frustrated and discouraged, but my My Fitness Pal buddies have been seeing me through! Set backs happen, but I'm not allowing myself to fall this hard next time!

4. Still no baby. Sigh. Two years of marriage signifies two years of not being pregnant. It's difficult, but not super difficult for me. I was reminded today of God's perfect (although sometimes ironic) planning. He orchestrates things to work out for the best. For that, I am extremely grateful! I had to cancel my doctor's appointment this week because I needed to watch Max. We're going to try to reschedule sometime next month, though. With all that being said, it leads me to my next point...

5. We've decided to further explore/start the process of....foster care! Yep. We may be foster parents soon! It's hard to believe that I, the woman who swore she'd never do foster care because "it's scary," is so stinkin' excited about it! We're (ideally) hoping to adopt through foster care. We have pretty strict criteria for the type of children we're willing to take into our home, though, so it could be a long road. We basically don't want to foster kids over 3 years old. I don't feel like I'm old enough to take in a 10 year old, let alone a teenager. Speaking with people who have experience in the foster care system (have I ever mentioned that all of Vance's 6 siblings were adopted through foster care?) and people who have adopted through foster care, we NEED to make our specifications and stick with them as they WILL call about kids outside of your criteria. I'm getting ahead of myself, though. Before we can even have children enter our home, we have to go through the process, which includes a home assessment, financial statements, background checks, references, medical exams, a 30 hour training course, etc. The next course is in September, so that will be the one we attend, if all goes well. We also plan on attending an into to foster care class before then, just to make sure we're going to do this. I feel super strongly about this, though. I feel like God is telling me to do it. I feel a sense of urgency about it, too. I don't know. It's weird, but I'm trying to be obedient. Please pray with us about this! It's a HUGE deal!

I think that's about it, for now. Please pray with/for us about our future, weight loss journey, our new home, our marriage, etc. We can't do anything a part from God!

P.S. Sorry for the lack of pictures!! Here...have a picture of my cute babies enjoying their bed in our new bedroom!

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The Book of James

I've decided to start doing something that I feel like I need to do. I'm going to start writing my Bible reading reflections on here. In the evenings, before we go to sleep, Vance and I read a chapter of the Bible together. It isn't formal. It isn't always "deep." Sometimes it's so straight forward, we don't even share any thoughts or verbal reflections. We take turns reading. When warranted, we ask questions or offer reflections on certain verses/passages. We read the foot notes since we're using my NIV Study Bible if we need elaboration or explanation. I thoroughly enjoy our Bible reading time together. :-)

This week, we read through the book of James. We read the forward (it's a study Bible) one night and a chapter a night after that. There were a few verses/sections that really hit home for me.

Source

(Please note, all copied/pasted verses are from www.biblegateway.com and are the ESV, English Standard Version, translation.)

1. James 1:2-4, 12 & 17-18
²  Count it all joy, my brothers,^[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, ³ for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. ⁴ And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.¹²  Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. ¹⁷  Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.^[d] 18  Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

This one hit home for me. We're coming up on two years of marriage, which means two years of trying to have a baby...with no success, whatsoever. That may not seem like a trial for some, but for me, it certainly is. I feel like it IS a testing of my faith. There have been times where I was proven to be weak of faith during this test. These days, I have a strong faith that God knows what he's doing...even if it isn't when I'd like!! It IS producing steadfastness/perseverance in me. I don't feel as if I'm perfect and complete, because I do feel like I'm lacking in something. However, the other day, I was thinking that maybe if now's not the time for our baby(ies) to be here, that I am content being Vance's wife. I've throughly enjoyed our two years as husband and wife. I can't wait for another 70! (Yes....we are living that long. Deal with it!)

2. James 4:13-17
¹³ Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— ¹⁴ yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.¹⁵ Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. ¹⁷  So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

This passage, again, hit home for me. How often do I sit and make plans? How often do I get bent out of shape when those plans don't go the way I want them to or think they should? All too often, to be quite honest! Don't get me wrong, planning is a good thing. Planning is wise. Planning is oftentimes much better than flying by the seat of your pants. HOWEVER, this passage is pointing out that making life plans without talking to God about it. What good are my plans for my life if God is not involved? Life is SO short, a mist or a vapor that disappears shortly after it appears. What good are my plans in such a short time if they are without God? God's will and plans are by far greater than anything I could possibly come up with. For instance, when Vance and I had our first date, I wasn't the least bit interested in him as a boyfriend, only a potential friend. We weren't even on a date...at first. It was just a time to hang out. But after the first...oh...5 minutes, I was INFATUATED with him...and apparently he with I. It's amazing what God will do when you're making plans for your life!

3. James 5: 13-16
¹³ Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

As I was reading this last night, I felt a sense of comfort. How often have I prayed about my baby? How often have I screamed at God from the depths of my heart about my suffering? On the other hand, how often have I ignored God completely? How often have I turned away from him in my distraught moments? All too often. Probably more often than not. I am not righteous in those moments. I am not having the faith I should. However, when I do pray in my time of suffering, this verse assures me that God is listening. That God is working an amazing thing in my heart, family, and body. It is SO easy to sing praise when in a cheerful disposition. I am striving to make it just as easy to pray in my dark and sad moments.

Do you have any reflections you'd like to add? It can be from any part of the book of James, whether or not I reflected on it. Care to write a reflection next week?

Vance and I are starting 1 Peter (we are basically going through the General Epistles, James-Jude, right now.) We are reading the forward tonight, then we'll read chapter 1 Saturday, chapter 2 Sunday, chapter 3 Monday, chapter 4 Tuesday, chapter 5 Wednesday, and the forward to II Peter on Thursday. I'll then write a reflection from those chapters on Friday. Then...we'll continue on. If you'd like to join us, I'd love that! If you have a blog and want to write a reflection, make sure you tell me so I can check it out!

Have a great weekend!

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Sorry For My Silence

Ok ok...I know. I KNOW! I've been silent on here for a few weeks. I promise, it is not without reason, though! So much has been going on in my life these days, so unless you follow me on Instagram (angelsingin4jc) or are my friend on My Fitness Pal (angelsingin4jc), then you probably think I've been MIA!

Here's what's been going down...

• Vance burned his hand. He grabbed the handle to a stainless steel pot that had been over a burner that was on. (He turned on the wrong burner.) He had 1st and 2nd degree burns. He was in a lot of pain for a few days, but healed VERY quickly and had no infections! (Praise!) 

• I had a pinched nerve/pulled muscle in my neck that hurt so terrible bad, that I was practically paralyzed for 24 hours. I could NOT move at all one day. It was BAD! I eventually worked through it and now it's 99% better!

• We are 8 (9 on Saturday) weeks into our weight loss journey and doing SWELL! At the 8 week mark, Vance has lost 20.9 lbs and I have lost 26.4 lbs! Woo hoo! We both lost our first 20 lbs WELL before our July 7th goal. I'm hoping to lose another 10-15 by my cousin's wedding on July 14th! Vance is in the wedding as her fiance's groomsman. P.S. This is the 4th summer I've known Vance. This is the 4th summer he's had to wear a tux and be in someone's wedding (including ours in 2010.) 

-26.4 lbs (5-11-12) 

-20.9 lbs (5-11-12)

• We are MOVING! I am so excited to get out of the house we're currently renting. It has one TINY bathroom...that has no outlets!! The house is 110+ years old and has all the charm and the quirks of a home that age. It needs some major renovating, to say the least. It has no dishwasher. NO DISHWASHER! Two years of having Vance as my only dishwasher (and my own two hands when the blue moon occurs) makes me say enough is enough! We've been apartment searching for several months now (Vance is also tired of mowing the lawn) and I finally found one that's in an excellent location, has a fantastic price, and is swanky! Seriously. They're nice apartments. I was scared because of the prices they have online, but when we went in we found the deal of a lifetime for their 2 bedroom, 2 bath floor plan! I am so excited! My own bathroom! A dishwasher! A pantry! A fireplace! A large fenced in patio! A laundry room! Outlets in my bathroom! Walk-in closets! Almost 1000 sq ft! YES! So excited! Oh and it also has a pretty awesome gym, a dog park, a pool, etc. etc. Plus, it's two minutes from the mall and about 7 minutes from Max's house. Pretty exciting stuff! We officially move in June 4th!

• I am working all the freaking time. I get a day or half a day here or there when I don't have to work one or both of my jobs, but let me tell you...I don't get paid enough for all the time I spend working! Haha. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I have two jobs...some people don't have one!!...but it's exhausting at times!

• Still no luck on the baby front. It's more difficult at some times than it is at others, but I try not to dwell on it. On Mother's Day, I focused on my mom, Grandma, and mother-in-law, so I didn't have time to focus on my babyless self. Oh and we played 2+ hours of volleyball...which I did in a skirt, leggings, and tank top. Hahaha! I was perfectly dressed for sports! (I played volleyball in a dress and leggings at Thanksgiving. I'm beginning to develop a trend....) OH! We were supposed to have a make-up doctor's appointment next week, but I'm watching Max while his grandma is out of town. I don't really want to take a 23 month old with me to the doctor, so we are rescheduling. It's my 6 month follow-up to my initial appointment back in December. I'm really looking forward to being like "So yeah...I've lost 30 lbs since I was last here!" 

Setting up the picnic area! 

Grandma opening her present from Vance and I!

• We redeemed my Christmas present last weekend! Vance's Christmas present to me this year was two tickets to see the traveling Broadway show, WICKED!! I seriously cried during parts of it! It was SPECTACULAR!!! I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present! We're thinking of doing this every year for our Christmas present to each other, since we both loved it so much. We're thinking of either going to Mary Poppins or Sister Act next year, since we saw posters about them at DPAC (Durham Performing Arts Center) while waiting for Wicked. Before seeing the show, we ate at Cuban Revolution. Great food with a fun atmosphere! After the performance, and to gear up for the hour and a half drive home, we got some food/milkshakes from Steak 'n Shake! Seriously! Best. Christmas. Present. EVER!!!

Ticket

Menu 

Outside on DPAC Campus

Waiting to go in!

Curtain/stage before opening!

Aaaaand...I think that's all the major news as of late! What have you been up to these days? I'd love to hear from you! I've missed you all!

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Post Secret Moment

Thank you to the woman who remembered those of us who have yet to receive the amazing gift of motherhood, but so desperately desire it. I wish I could give you a huge hug. You've been there. You get it. You have your baby now. Yet you still took the time to remember those of us who don't yet. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Source (Front)

Source (Back)

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and all the would-be moms out there!

EDIT:
Another person I'd like to thank is the person who wrote this comment on this week's Sunday secrets post!

 Anonymous said...

For all of you lovely women who are struggling with infertility: Happy Mother's Day. My heart goes out to each of you. I'm sorry for your struggles, I appreciate the selfless battle to have a baby.
And, to you mommas of four-legged children: keep up the good work, happy animals make neighborhoods more homey!
Each woman has a nuturer inside, there are many outlets for love.

1:59 AM

Thank you!

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Whew...What a Day! (Music Monday 4/9/12)

This is a long one...but I promise it's worth it.

The day I'm referring to in the title was actually, yesterday, but whew...what a day! It was Easter, yes, but it was so much more. My dad's side of the family is huge. We had a ton of people at Grandma's for lunch/family time after church. My cousin Megan and her husband, Matt, are in town (they live in Colorado where Matt is stationed with the Army) visiting family on Matt's last leave before he departs to Afghanistan in May. Megan and Matt are having a baby in August. Megan is my 21 year old cousin who got married a few months after Vance and I did. Anyway, she baked a cake to do a simple gender reveal type thing for Matt's family and for our family. We found out they're having a girl!

Now, some of you might be wondering how this went for ME. (Thanks for thinking of me by the way. I'm touched!) I did pretty darn well, thankyouverymuch. I didn't cry. I was/am genuinely happy for them. I wasn't jealous. I am at peace...for now.

Earlier in the day, at church, my mom said, "You going to be ok later today?" I said, "Yeah..." She didn't seem to buy it, though. Haha. She then said, "You're going to be ok. That's a statement, not a question." Thankfully, I have been mentally and emotionally preparing for this. Plus...I cried at church.

Yep. I cried at church. It happens. It especially happens when a song's lyrics strike a chord. (Ha! No pin intended!) It was the invitational song (of course) and I hadn't cried at all yet. Jon's (senior high youth minister and SOMA service minister) sermon was PHENOMENAL. Seriously, the man can preach. Anyway, the song is called, "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. If you know the song, you might already be nodding your head. If not...here's the best verbal reenactment I can give you of how things went down...

Interlude for the song starts playing...I recognize it and take a deep breath, knowing this song almost always brings tears to my eyes...

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

My bottom lip starts to quiver...I'm telling myself to suck it up because I hate crying in public...my other side says this is church. This is the place you can be real. All that matters is you and God...etc. I can barely sing the line "It is well."

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead


I felt a RUSH of energy come over me by the thought of these lyrics. I am SO grateful and SO thankful that Jesus took MY sins upon himself and died for me so that I didn't have to suffer a lifetime and afterlife separation from God! I felt victorious in this verse because Jesus overwhelmed DEATH! I'm still trying not to cry, though, because now I'm battling my touchy feely emotions with my gratitude.

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise


This is when I start to lose it. No more sorrow? No more pain? YES PLEASE! I am SO SO sad in the depths of my heart! I will rise? There are days when I feel like I may never get off the couch again! I FEEL like I can ONLY fall on my knees. I don't feel strong enough to even breathe at times. I will rise?? Tears started swelling in my eyes... (P.S. As I'm typing this, my eyes are getting misty.)

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes


I felt calmness come upon me in this verse. It was almost as if God was speaking directly to me. There's a day coming soon when all of this darkness that I'm struggling with is going to disappear and God is going to come through for ME? Something good is going to come out of my trying to conceive suffering? It is? IT IS! I Started crying on the last line. My faith SHALL be my eyes. I'm going to be able to SEE the culmination of this suffering. It's going to be worth it because God has something far better than anything I can imagine in store for me!

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise


All I could think during those repeated words was THANK YOU, JESUS! THANK YOU, GOD! I WILL Rise! That's when I realized I wasn't the only one around me crying. That's when I heard others sobbing. That's when I realized my sister, Hannah and my mom were both crying next to me. (My mom also said my aunt and my cousin, Kayla, were crying in front of me. They've been through a lot the last few weeks. Hannah's boyfriend broke her heart. Kayla's fiance went through major doubt issues. My mom and Aunt Tina had to watch their daughters feel pain. It's a whole lot for moms to take, apparently! Mom also knew why I was crying. It's just a LOT!) I then realized the man behind us is crying and others around us are, too.

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

This is my favorite part of the song. It's the bridge. The music swells. The tempo speeds up. You just have to sing a little louder. You feel it a little more. Or ya know..you completely fall apart and start sobbing like I do. You can't control yourself anymore, like me. You can't think of anything to do except to close your eyes and raise your hand, reaching up to THE WORHY LAMB, crying out with a longing heart, like mine, to show HIM how much you appreciate him. I was sobbing. I had tears POURING down my face. I could barely sing audibly, but my heart was BELTING those lyrics while all the while shouting, "I have a longing heart!!!" So...I, along with at least 5 or 6 other people around me, are sobbing while we worship our savior. Oh and I'm also clenching Vance's arm. I was a mess, I tell ya.

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise


I'm still sobbing, trying to get ahold of myself since the song is ending and it's getting quieter. Vance had his arm wrapped around my shoulders. As the music began to taper off, I turned from sobbing to deep breathing and only a few tears. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I felt held by the hands that created the universe. I felt taken care of. I felt understood. I felt whole. I know that song was for me. It might not have been JUST for me, but I have no doubt God was making sure I got the message...which, of course I did.

After church, Vance told me that he had to keep telling himself to keep his eyes forward or he was going to look at me, mom, and/or Hannah and fall a part, too. Haha. Mom said she had no chance at all to make it through the song without crying since she had two out of her three daughters on either side of her bawling their eyes out. She held Hannah while she cried and knew that Vance had me taken care of. I am so thankful for my amazing mom and awesome husband. I am so grateful for Jesus and his sacrifice for not only ME, but for my loved ones and for YOU.

Jesus HAS overcome anything that we have gone through, are going through, and/or will go through. I needed that reminder. I can't imagine those having trouble TTC who DON'T have a relationship with Jesus...who have NO true hope. I needed that shock to my faith. I needed to feel Jesus at my side. He is there. He is ALWAYS there.










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Down But Not Out

I don't really have a post for this blog today. I posted on my weight loss blog, though. I'd love if you read today's post and comment/follow there for today.

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Excerpt:
My fertility journey has been long, but isn't over yet. It almost feels like it's just beginning in some ways. I'm on Metformin to help in what doctors think might be PCOS. We'll see what happens. I need to be exercising. I need the exercise to help me lose weight, which can possibly aid in my fertility. Exercise also gives endorphins, which can help me feel less sad. I get it. I do. I just can't do it, yet. (See the disconnect between my head and heart?) I am broken right now. I need fixing, but most of all, right now, I need love. I need to feel loved, wanted, needed, and most of all understood. I don't need judgment or to feel neglected, forgotten, ignored, or annoying. I need to know people have my back and that they love me despite my trials.

Click here to read the entire post.

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TTC Journey Post #745...Or Something

I've avoided this post for a bit because I know this could potentially offend or upset certain people who I know read my blog. After reflecting on my intentions of writing this post, I realized I need to blog about this. These are my feelings, and I shouldn't be afraid to share them. Before reading this post, please understand I mean no disrespect or offense to ANYONE. This is just where I am right now. My feelings have nothing to do with anyone else. I blame no one for my feelings, and I truly hope no one takes any of these things I'm about to say personally. (If you feel like you may be easily offended, please skip the portions of the text between the lines for an update on our TTC/Fertility Journey!)

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Lately I've been feeling kind of pissed off. Like not just all "woe is me, I'm not pregnant." No. I've been angry. I've been judgmental. I've been a really big jerk in my mind/heart. You may be thinking, "That doesn't sound like the Angela I know and love!" To that I reply, "Thanks for thinking so highly of me, but sometimes I can be a really big B!"

I have a few friends that are TTC. Most of them are in the first few months of the process. Every time one of them complains/shares that they aren't pregnant this month, I just want to smack them and say, "DID YOU EXPECT TO GET PREGNANT IMMEDIATELY???" When they blog/email/FB about their checklists, their ovulation prediction kits, their cycles adjusting back to normal after being on birth control, their negative tests after only a couple months of TTC, I seriously almost lose it. I get angry. I get sad. I get bitter. I think to myself, "Who are they to even be disappointed at this point in their journey? Who are they to even complain that they've been trying for three months to get pregnant and nothing has happened? Who are they to be disappointed in not having a Christmas pregnancy? I have had TWO Christmases pass without a pregnancy. I have had 19 months, almost two YEARS pass without a pregnancy. How dare THEY feel sorry for themselves for not getting pregnant after a few months when I've been trying to get pregnant for SO MUCH LONGER!"

Then I realize, who am I to think that MY journey is so much more difficult than theirs? Who am I to pass judgment on those other women? Who am I to discredit their moments of sorrow? Who am I to be so angry with others who are going through the same thing I am? No matter how long someone else may be going through something, they're still going through it. True, I have had to endure heartache for a longer amount of time, but in some ways, I'm emotionally better off than some of those women who are just starting their journey.

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I still get irritated when I'm having a low moment/day, but I am truly working on my heart. I want my heart to be in line with Christ's. I don't think it's possible to be in tune with Jesus when there's malice living in my heart. Since I cannot fathom not being at ONE with Christ, I pray constantly to overcome these angry feelings and let God have full control over this situation.

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So...what's going on these days? Psch. Nothing too exciting. I've finished up a month+ of Metformin. Is it working? I'm not sure yet. It isn't one of those fast acting drugs. It takes a few months. I will say this month's period was much lighter than it ever has been, so I imagine Metformin is doing SOMETHING. I have lost some weight, but I'm not sure how much since I haven't weighed myself in a couple of weeks. 

Met has kinda screwed with me this past month. It has some yucky side affects like diarrhea and gas. Some moments/days I'm 100% fine. Some days are hellish. Being on my period and taking Met was an experience! I felt so full because of all of the gas in my belly. Every time I'd get a good burp, I could FEEL my stomach deflate a little. It was SO weird! (Sorry if this is TMI, but for those of you who have "been there" you totally get it!)

We're STILL battling the hubs' insurance with getting his swimmers tested, thus the reason he hasn't posted a follow-up about that whole experience. They have the results...we just can't get them until the stupid insurance people pay for the test!!! 

My Facebook profile is still deactivated and will remain so for a while longer. I don't miss it. I feel more at peace when I'm not constantly being reminded of everyone's pregnancies. Vance says I'm happier now that I'm not on FB. I'm kind of disappointed with how few people are actually keeping in contact with me, but that's how it goes right? Out of sight, out of mind? (Thanks to those of you who HAVE kept in touch! It means so much to me!)

Now onto some semi-exciting news. We might be adding our name to the infant adoption program in Greensboro, NC. We haven't decided yet, nor do we have nearly enough information to make a decision yet. (I'm a researcher!) Adoption is just something we both feel strongly about. (Vance's 6 younger siblings are all adopted, after all!) We're considering going ahead with getting our names on the list and all the while keeping on with our efforts at TTC. Adoption, especially infant adoption, is a crazy journey all of it's own, but it's a journey we both feel like we'll take at some point in our lives. We're unsure if THIS is the time, but we're listening and waiting for God's guiding hand at this time. I do ask for your prayers, though. This is a huge decision and a huge step! We truly don't want to go into this before God's approval!

That about covers it, for now. If you have any questions, please feel free to leave them in the comments or email me using the contact tab above! :-)

Update (1/23, 11:56am): Thank you so much for the emails I've gotten already. You all are so encouraging. Thanks for not making me feel like a royal jerk for my feelings and for understanding where I'm coming from. You guys rock. :-)

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

It's the Little Things

I wasn't going to post another entry today, but I feel like I need to. 

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine, Meg. She is such a sweet girl! I just love her like crazy! I met her through my cousin, Collin. She was his girlfriend at the time. They dated for a pretty big chunk of time. During that time, I got to know her pretty well and we stayed in touch via email and FB even after she and Collin parted ways relationship-wise.

Anyway, today, she called me out of the blue. I was actually kind of surprised to have a missed call from her. I can't really remember the last time I spoke to her on the phone or in person. It's been a good while. So, I texted her back and since she was driving, she called me back. (I love it when people don't text and drive!!!) She seriously called because she thought of me.  She called to tell me that she has acupuncture done to help with some minor health issues (it seems to be working for her, too!) and overheard a conversation about a woman using acupuncture for fertility purposes. The first person she thought of upon hearing that conversation was me. What an honor to be thought of, but what an exceptional honor to be thought of by someone whom you haven't seen in at least a couple of years!

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Meg follows my fertility issues via FB, so she isn't clueless as to what's going on with the hubs and I, but at the same time, I haven't had an active FB account in about a month. Usually with people, it's out of sight, out of mind. Apparently not with Meg. :-)

The phone call lasted only slightly over 6 minutes, but we caught up with vital info pertaining to our futures and families before Meg had to go. It was the best phone conversation I've had in a LONG time!

Meg, I don't know if you'll read this, but if you do, please know that you seriously made my day/night/week/month/year by you reaching out to me and remembering me! It means more than words can say! Love you lots!

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

TTC Update from 12/12/11

If you aren't familiar with the background info of my hubs and my journey trying to conceive (TTC) please click here and start from the beginning.

If you read my FB updates before I disabled it (until at least New Year's Day) then you'll know I had a doctor's appointment on December 12th to discuss our next step in this whole TTC journey. What I haven't talked about (with people other than my mom, sisters, and a friend or two) is what went on at the appointment.

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I will preface to say that I do not have insurance. My husband works for his father's TINY business, and we just can't afford to put me on the insurance plan. SO, judge me if you'd like, but we go to a low income clinic for my appointments. The doctors are all from a family practice and/or local hospitals, so we're not getting second class care, just second class rates...and sometimes treatment. Let me explain.

After waiting for an hour, (our appointment was at 3) we finally got to go into an examination room. There, we waited for only a couple of minutes before Dr. Cassidy's (the doctor we were referred to back at our November appointment) resident came in and asked us about all of our fertility background. He asked me about my cycle from when I was 13. I had to guess at some of the answers because how am I supposed to remember how many days my cycle was when I was 13, 14, 15, or heck even 20 years old?? I'm 26! I told him everything I knew and remembered. He was super nice, but I could tell he was slightly uncomfortable since I told him about my cervical mucous, how many times my husband and I have sex, etc. I'm sure he'll get used to it. After all, he's a doctor. Anyway, he left for a good 20 minutes. The next time the door opened, my favorite nurse, the head nurse, walked in with a blood kit. My heart sank. I REALLY didn't want a repeat of the last two times I visited there. They couldn't get any blood out!!! I was also kind of sick. I had a stomach bug Sunday/Monday. I asked her, as calmly as I could, what was going on. (Vance was in the bathroom at that time.) She explained that Dr. Cassidy advised getting blood work done. My reaction??? Well...inside I was telling myself not to cry, wondering where the heck Vance was, confused as all get out, and ANGRY that the doctor couldn't/didn't even spend ANY time talking to me before ordering tests and sending me on my way. Outside, I asked why and then asked (read:demanded) to see Dr. Cassidy. Oh and I also texted Vance to get back here. (My mom gave me huge props for demanding to see the doctor.)

The sweet nurse went and got Dr. Cassidy. She came in, introduced herself, and asked what I needed to talk to her about. At this point, I was seriously tired, sick feeling, HOT, and NOT wanting to have blood drawn...or attempted. I told her I needed more information about what kind of tests she feels like I needed, why she feels that way, and what options I had. That's when my world rattled a little. She told me she thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I racked my brain. Nothing computed. I didn't understand what that was or what that meant to me. She explained that it makes me insulin resistant. (What????) I almost broke down crying. I didn't feel well. I didn't understand. And Dr. Cassidy acted like I was inconveniencing her by requesting to see her. Her resident was super nice though. She explained that the blood test would test my thyroid, check my insulin, etc. She said my weight was a huge factor in all of this, but that if I do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, then it plays a major factor in my weight, i.e. making it easier to gain and harder to lose. (The other symptoms of PCOS that I have are a varying menstrual cycle and darkening around the armpits and groin area. I don't have the hair growth, voice deepening, thinning hair, bad acne, etc.) I still wasn't grasping it all. I felt slightly stupid quite honestly. It just wasn't computing. I just stated that I was not having blood work done that day. It was just all too much for me. She said it was fine and that I could come back any time and get it done. She also said if I do have PCOS, (P.S. I didn't know Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was the same as PCOS until later when I got home and read some stuff about it. I told you I wasn't computing.) then I  could start Metformin, a drug that helps control insulin by helping your body process it, which results in your body NOT having extra insulin, so it CAN'T be sent to the liver, which makes it so that it CAN'T be turned into body fat. I liked the sound of that. She said it will make it easier for me to continue to lose weight. (I've been working on it and doing fairly well!)

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Anyway, Vance asked if it is possible for me to go ahead and get a script and skip the blood work for now. Dr. Cassidy said it is possible, but that if we decided to do blood work, the meds can mask the true counts in my blood. Everyone, including Vance, was staring at me for an answer in the HOT exam room. I think I said, "I don't know." like 5 times. Then finally Dr. Cassidy said, "Well, how about we give you a few more minutes to discuss it, and you can let us know?" I agreed. I quite honestly just wanted them to all stop staring and pressuring me. They left. I broke down. I just started crying. I wasn't prepared for this news. I wasn't prepared for blood work. I wasn't feeling well. It was HOTTER THAN HADES IN THERE. I was tired. We had been there for TWO HOURS already. I was done.

So what was our decision? We didn't really make one yet. The nurse came back in and asked what we wanted to do. We told her we'd like the prescription and to go home and do more research before we decide if we want to fill it or not. Dr. Cassidy also left us some info about PCOS at the front desk. We "checked out" and went home.

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As soon as I walked in the door, I went straight into our bedroom, pulled the covers up, and cried. And cried. And cried. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I see now that I was just caught off guard. Oh and I started my period the next day. That explains a lot actually. Heh. When Vance finally convinced me to get up and get some dinner, I started reading the info the doctor gave me. (That's when I realized PCOS was short for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.) I started to be ok...well as ok as I could possibly be given the circumstances. That all went down hill a couple of hours later. I was browsing Facebook and came across a sonogram picture. I have a lot of pregnant friends, so I figured it was one of theirs. No. It wasn't. It was my husband's best friend's profile announcing their pregnancy. They've only been trying for a few months. So unfair. (Side note: I AM happy for them. I'm just not happy for me.) I was crushed. I was a little angry that they didn't have the decency to call us and tells us before broadcasting it all on FB. Then Vance told me his friend had called that morning, but we were still asleep. Regardless, the news sent me on another meltdown for a bit.

The next day, I had to go to work. I had to suck it up and deal with it. I had to move forward. That's one of the best things I could/can do. I'm still coming to terms with everything and researching about possibilities and such. We decided to go ahead with the meds and see what happens with my cycle in the next few months. Hopefully this is our ticket to pregnancy. Please keep praying for us!!

"Update:" I originally wrote this post on 12/16/11. I was in a good place and felt like I could share an update without crying through it all. [I succeeded!] Anyway, it is now 12/18, and I need to add something I saw today on Post Secret. Someone's secret they sent in could have easily been mine. It isn't mine. Nor is mine truly a secret since I write it all on a blog, but I think you'll catch my drift. 

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Post Secret also has message boards. People go to the message boards and talk about the secrets. I stumbled upon the boards while looking for the Post Secret email address (still didn't find the email addy!) Anyway, one of the responses to the post card above said something that made me cry as well as say, "YES! That person totally gets it! Well said!" Here is what the poster said...

chastarue Community Member Joined: 28 Jun 2008 Location: Colorado

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:20 pm    Post subject: Adoption is not a cure for infertility. While I see the point and it's difficult for many to understand, including myself at times, it is a completely different experience. I am a huge adoption supporter (in the process currently) but it is simply not a cure for infertility. It can be an alternative to those who have mourned the loss of their fertility and the loss to conceive biological children and have decided that this is a road they can see themselves on. But it is not a replacement nor a substitute to giving life to your own child. I wish ALL people would consider adoption, fertile or not, but I know my infertile best friend hates hearing how they should give up and adopt. Why don't people say that to "fertile" people as well?

As much as my husband and I want to adopt, it's just a completely different experience. It's nice to know that people, other than non-fertile individuals, can actually "get it!"

EDIT (12/20/11): We decided to go ahead with the Metformin for the next couple of months and see what it does for my cycle. We then may request Clomid in addition to Metformin. We'll see what happens. :-)

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