The day I'm referring to in the title was actually, yesterday, but whew...what a day! It was Easter, yes, but it was so much more. My dad's side of the family is huge. We had a ton of people at Grandma's for lunch/family time after church. My cousin Megan and her husband, Matt, are in town (they live in Colorado where Matt is stationed with the Army) visiting family on Matt's last leave before he departs to Afghanistan in May. Megan and Matt are having a baby in August. Megan is my 21 year old cousin who got married a few months after Vance and I did. Anyway, she baked a cake to do a simple gender reveal type thing for Matt's family and for our family. We found out they're having a girl!
Now, some of you might be wondering how this went for ME. (Thanks for thinking of me by the way. I'm touched!) I did pretty darn well, thankyouverymuch. I didn't cry. I was/am genuinely happy for them. I wasn't jealous. I am at peace...for now.
Earlier in the day, at church, my mom said, "You going to be ok later today?" I said, "Yeah..." She didn't seem to buy it, though. Haha. She then said, "You're going to be ok. That's a statement, not a question." Thankfully, I have been mentally and emotionally preparing for this. Plus...I cried at church.
Yep. I cried at church. It happens. It especially happens when a song's lyrics strike a chord. (Ha! No pin intended!) It was the invitational song (of course) and I hadn't cried at all yet. Jon's (senior high youth minister and SOMA service minister) sermon was PHENOMENAL. Seriously, the man can preach. Anyway, the song is called, "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. If you know the song, you might already be nodding your head. If not...here's the best verbal reenactment I can give you of how things went down...
Interlude for the song starts playing...I recognize it and take a deep breath, knowing this song almost always brings tears to my eyes...
There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
I felt a RUSH of energy come over me by the thought of these lyrics. I am SO grateful and SO thankful that Jesus took MY sins upon himself and died for me so that I didn't have to suffer a lifetime and afterlife separation from God! I felt victorious in this verse because Jesus overwhelmed DEATH! I'm still trying not to cry, though, because now I'm battling my touchy feely emotions with my gratitude.
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
This is when I start to lose it. No more sorrow? No more pain? YES PLEASE! I am SO SO sad in the depths of my heart! I will rise? There are days when I feel like I may never get off the couch again! I FEEL like I can ONLY fall on my knees. I don't feel strong enough to even breathe at times. I will rise?? Tears started swelling in my eyes... (P.S. As I'm typing this, my eyes are getting misty.)
There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
I felt calmness come upon me in this verse. It was almost as if God was speaking directly to me. There's a day coming soon when all of this darkness that I'm struggling with is going to disappear and God is going to come through for ME? Something good is going to come out of my trying to conceive suffering? It is? IT IS! I Started crying on the last line. My faith SHALL be my eyes. I'm going to be able to SEE the culmination of this suffering. It's going to be worth it because God has something far better than anything I can imagine in store for me!
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
All I could think during those repeated words was THANK YOU, JESUS! THANK YOU, GOD! I WILL Rise! That's when I realized I wasn't the only one around me crying. That's when I heard others sobbing. That's when I realized my sister, Hannah and my mom were both crying next to me. (My mom also said my aunt and my cousin, Kayla, were crying in front of me. They've been through a lot the last few weeks. Hannah's boyfriend broke her heart. Kayla's fiance went through major doubt issues. My mom and Aunt Tina had to watch their daughters feel pain. It's a whole lot for moms to take, apparently! Mom also knew why I was crying. It's just a LOT!) I then realized the man behind us is crying and others around us are, too.
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
This is my favorite part of the song. It's the bridge. The music swells. The tempo speeds up. You just have to sing a little louder. You feel it a little more. Or ya know..you completely fall apart and start sobbing like I do. You can't control yourself anymore, like me. You can't think of anything to do except to close your eyes and raise your hand, reaching up to THE WORHY LAMB, crying out with a longing heart, like mine, to show HIM how much you appreciate him. I was sobbing. I had tears POURING down my face. I could barely sing audibly, but my heart was BELTING those lyrics while all the while shouting, "I have a longing heart!!!" So...I, along with at least 5 or 6 other people around me, are sobbing while we worship our savior. Oh and I'm also clenching Vance's arm. I was a mess, I tell ya.
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
I'm still sobbing, trying to get ahold of myself since the song is ending and it's getting quieter. Vance had his arm wrapped around my shoulders. As the music began to taper off, I turned from sobbing to deep breathing and only a few tears. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I felt held by the hands that created the universe. I felt taken care of. I felt understood. I felt whole. I know that song was for me. It might not have been JUST for me, but I have no doubt God was making sure I got the message...which, of course I did.
After church, Vance told me that he had to keep telling himself to keep his eyes forward or he was going to look at me, mom, and/or Hannah and fall a part, too. Haha. Mom said she had no chance at all to make it through the song without crying since she had two out of her three daughters on either side of her bawling their eyes out. She held Hannah while she cried and knew that Vance had me taken care of. I am so thankful for my amazing mom and awesome husband. I am so grateful for Jesus and his sacrifice for not only ME, but for my loved ones and for YOU.
Jesus HAS overcome anything that we have gone through, are going through, and/or will go through. I needed that reminder. I can't imagine those having trouble TTC who DON'T have a relationship with Jesus...who have NO true hope. I needed that shock to my faith. I needed to feel Jesus at my side. He is there. He is ALWAYS there.
