I Want Out of This Stinking Hallway

I took an unscheduled hiatus...again. I just haven't had a lot to say. Life just keeps on rolling. I keep rolling with those punches. Proverbial, of course.

Our social worker is almost done typing up our home study to be submitted to the State! Hallelujah!  This process is ridiculously long, in case you were wondering. Oh and the whole adoption home study thing is another story. We had to postpone meeting with our adoption worker. Which reminds me, we need to reschedule that ASAP! We honestly can't wait for all this bureaucratic nonsense to be over. We just want our baby(ies) dang it! I/we still have our moments when we wonder why in the world it has to be such a long, drawn out process for us to get our babies, while some people get pregnant "on accident." However, we keep trusting God and praying that he handles it all.

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We had a discussion a couple of days ago when I was feeling a bit frustrated/down trodden. I basically expressed to the hubs how I wished everything would suddenly come easily to us once we're approved for fostering/adopting, but how I was extremely doubtful since NOTHING has been easy since we've started trying to expand our family. His reply was that I am only doubting because up until now, nothing has come easy, but that something's got to give eventually. I KNOW that all of this will be worth it in the long run, but man oh man, when you keep knocking on doors and they keep staying closed, it feels like you've ALWAYS been in that stinking hallway! We've been in this particular hallway for almost three years now. If this hallway had a name, it would be "The BLASTED Hallway of Infertility" or aka "My Personal Hell." True, we've moved from one end of the hall to another because we've come from "we can't seem to conceive" to "we're going to foster to adopt," but at the same time, the "foster to adopt" door is still closed until we get submitted, approved, then approved a few more times along the way to adoption. It's a long, drawn out process, which frankly doesn't make a lot of sense in some ways. But I digress. I can't change the system. I can't even change my own mind about trusting God because what sense does that even make?

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I/we gave God full control over this situation. Who in the world am I to question his ways??? I've recently been having some personal Job moments in my mind. It's the part of the book when Job begins to finally break down and question God and his ways. (Job lost everyone and everything but his wretched wife and his obnoxious friends.) The same phrase keeps playing in my mind. It's one of the first things God asks Job after Job has his little meltdown.

God says, "Where were you when I created the earth?"

I then have a humbling, meek moment of "Oh yeah...you did do that...oops..." God gave Job a tongue-lashing to say the least! Below is a short part of the lengthy response God gave Job. It's found in Job 38-42. (This is in The Message version.)

“Why do you confuse the issue?
    Why do you talk without knowing what you’re talking about?
Pull yourself together, Job!
    Up on your feet! Stand tall!
I have some questions for you,
    and I want some straight answers.
Where were you when I created the earth?
    Tell me, since you know so much!
Who decided on its size? Certainly you’ll know that!
    Who came up with the blueprints and measurements?
How was its foundation poured,
    and who set the cornerstone,
While the morning stars sang in chorus
    and all the angels shouted praise?
And who took charge of the ocean
    when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb?
That was me! I wrapped it in soft clouds,
    and tucked it in safely at night.
Then I made a playpen for it,
    a strong playpen so it couldn’t run loose,
And said, ‘Stay here, this is your place.
    Your wild tantrums are confined to this place.’

(Click here to read the whole passage for a true butt-kicking!)

When I get stuck in the moments of questioning God, it's so humbling when these chapters come to mind. Where WAS I when he created the earth? I wasn't even thought of yet, right? Wrong. I was. God saw me. He went before more. He made a way, HIS way, for me before the beginning of time. God spoke me into existence. He knows me. He created me. He has great plans for me. He will never let me down.

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