TTC Update from 12/12/11

If you aren't familiar with the background info of my hubs and my journey trying to conceive (TTC) please click here and start from the beginning.

If you read my FB updates before I disabled it (until at least New Year's Day) then you'll know I had a doctor's appointment on December 12th to discuss our next step in this whole TTC journey. What I haven't talked about (with people other than my mom, sisters, and a friend or two) is what went on at the appointment.

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I will preface to say that I do not have insurance. My husband works for his father's TINY business, and we just can't afford to put me on the insurance plan. SO, judge me if you'd like, but we go to a low income clinic for my appointments. The doctors are all from a family practice and/or local hospitals, so we're not getting second class care, just second class rates...and sometimes treatment. Let me explain.

After waiting for an hour, (our appointment was at 3) we finally got to go into an examination room. There, we waited for only a couple of minutes before Dr. Cassidy's (the doctor we were referred to back at our November appointment) resident came in and asked us about all of our fertility background. He asked me about my cycle from when I was 13. I had to guess at some of the answers because how am I supposed to remember how many days my cycle was when I was 13, 14, 15, or heck even 20 years old?? I'm 26! I told him everything I knew and remembered. He was super nice, but I could tell he was slightly uncomfortable since I told him about my cervical mucous, how many times my husband and I have sex, etc. I'm sure he'll get used to it. After all, he's a doctor. Anyway, he left for a good 20 minutes. The next time the door opened, my favorite nurse, the head nurse, walked in with a blood kit. My heart sank. I REALLY didn't want a repeat of the last two times I visited there. They couldn't get any blood out!!! I was also kind of sick. I had a stomach bug Sunday/Monday. I asked her, as calmly as I could, what was going on. (Vance was in the bathroom at that time.) She explained that Dr. Cassidy advised getting blood work done. My reaction??? Well...inside I was telling myself not to cry, wondering where the heck Vance was, confused as all get out, and ANGRY that the doctor couldn't/didn't even spend ANY time talking to me before ordering tests and sending me on my way. Outside, I asked why and then asked (read:demanded) to see Dr. Cassidy. Oh and I also texted Vance to get back here. (My mom gave me huge props for demanding to see the doctor.)

The sweet nurse went and got Dr. Cassidy. She came in, introduced herself, and asked what I needed to talk to her about. At this point, I was seriously tired, sick feeling, HOT, and NOT wanting to have blood drawn...or attempted. I told her I needed more information about what kind of tests she feels like I needed, why she feels that way, and what options I had. That's when my world rattled a little. She told me she thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I racked my brain. Nothing computed. I didn't understand what that was or what that meant to me. She explained that it makes me insulin resistant. (What????) I almost broke down crying. I didn't feel well. I didn't understand. And Dr. Cassidy acted like I was inconveniencing her by requesting to see her. Her resident was super nice though. She explained that the blood test would test my thyroid, check my insulin, etc. She said my weight was a huge factor in all of this, but that if I do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, then it plays a major factor in my weight, i.e. making it easier to gain and harder to lose. (The other symptoms of PCOS that I have are a varying menstrual cycle and darkening around the armpits and groin area. I don't have the hair growth, voice deepening, thinning hair, bad acne, etc.) I still wasn't grasping it all. I felt slightly stupid quite honestly. It just wasn't computing. I just stated that I was not having blood work done that day. It was just all too much for me. She said it was fine and that I could come back any time and get it done. She also said if I do have PCOS, (P.S. I didn't know Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was the same as PCOS until later when I got home and read some stuff about it. I told you I wasn't computing.) then I  could start Metformin, a drug that helps control insulin by helping your body process it, which results in your body NOT having extra insulin, so it CAN'T be sent to the liver, which makes it so that it CAN'T be turned into body fat. I liked the sound of that. She said it will make it easier for me to continue to lose weight. (I've been working on it and doing fairly well!)

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Anyway, Vance asked if it is possible for me to go ahead and get a script and skip the blood work for now. Dr. Cassidy said it is possible, but that if we decided to do blood work, the meds can mask the true counts in my blood. Everyone, including Vance, was staring at me for an answer in the HOT exam room. I think I said, "I don't know." like 5 times. Then finally Dr. Cassidy said, "Well, how about we give you a few more minutes to discuss it, and you can let us know?" I agreed. I quite honestly just wanted them to all stop staring and pressuring me. They left. I broke down. I just started crying. I wasn't prepared for this news. I wasn't prepared for blood work. I wasn't feeling well. It was HOTTER THAN HADES IN THERE. I was tired. We had been there for TWO HOURS already. I was done.

So what was our decision? We didn't really make one yet. The nurse came back in and asked what we wanted to do. We told her we'd like the prescription and to go home and do more research before we decide if we want to fill it or not. Dr. Cassidy also left us some info about PCOS at the front desk. We "checked out" and went home.

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As soon as I walked in the door, I went straight into our bedroom, pulled the covers up, and cried. And cried. And cried. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I see now that I was just caught off guard. Oh and I started my period the next day. That explains a lot actually. Heh. When Vance finally convinced me to get up and get some dinner, I started reading the info the doctor gave me. (That's when I realized PCOS was short for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.) I started to be ok...well as ok as I could possibly be given the circumstances. That all went down hill a couple of hours later. I was browsing Facebook and came across a sonogram picture. I have a lot of pregnant friends, so I figured it was one of theirs. No. It wasn't. It was my husband's best friend's profile announcing their pregnancy. They've only been trying for a few months. So unfair. (Side note: I AM happy for them. I'm just not happy for me.) I was crushed. I was a little angry that they didn't have the decency to call us and tells us before broadcasting it all on FB. Then Vance told me his friend had called that morning, but we were still asleep. Regardless, the news sent me on another meltdown for a bit.

The next day, I had to go to work. I had to suck it up and deal with it. I had to move forward. That's one of the best things I could/can do. I'm still coming to terms with everything and researching about possibilities and such. We decided to go ahead with the meds and see what happens with my cycle in the next few months. Hopefully this is our ticket to pregnancy. Please keep praying for us!!

"Update:" I originally wrote this post on 12/16/11. I was in a good place and felt like I could share an update without crying through it all. [I succeeded!] Anyway, it is now 12/18, and I need to add something I saw today on Post Secret. Someone's secret they sent in could have easily been mine. It isn't mine. Nor is mine truly a secret since I write it all on a blog, but I think you'll catch my drift. 

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Post Secret also has message boards. People go to the message boards and talk about the secrets. I stumbled upon the boards while looking for the Post Secret email address (still didn't find the email addy!) Anyway, one of the responses to the post card above said something that made me cry as well as say, "YES! That person totally gets it! Well said!" Here is what the poster said...

chastarue Community Member Joined: 28 Jun 2008 Location: Colorado

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:20 pm    Post subject: Adoption is not a cure for infertility. While I see the point and it's difficult for many to understand, including myself at times, it is a completely different experience. I am a huge adoption supporter (in the process currently) but it is simply not a cure for infertility. It can be an alternative to those who have mourned the loss of their fertility and the loss to conceive biological children and have decided that this is a road they can see themselves on. But it is not a replacement nor a substitute to giving life to your own child. I wish ALL people would consider adoption, fertile or not, but I know my infertile best friend hates hearing how they should give up and adopt. Why don't people say that to "fertile" people as well?

As much as my husband and I want to adopt, it's just a completely different experience. It's nice to know that people, other than non-fertile individuals, can actually "get it!"

EDIT (12/20/11): We decided to go ahead with the Metformin for the next couple of months and see what it does for my cycle. We then may request Clomid in addition to Metformin. We'll see what happens. :-)

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!