There'll Be Days Like This

No one quite understands what it's like to go from zero to 2 kids without the time to adjust to the idea of having a kid, like a foster parent who doesn't have bio kids does. Even step parenting is different since the kid knows at least their bio parent.

Pregnancy takes almost 10 months to grow a child that parents have the time to wrap their head around. And that's one kid...usually. And people go all crazy trying to help prepare you. People usually bring meals over after the baby is born. People reach out and offer to help with laundry, cleaning the house, etc. At least people at my church do.

Except...no one did for us. No one offered to come help me. No one offered to set up a meal plan for us to help take some of the burden off of us while we adjusted to being parents. Because well...I guess we don't seem like we need the help since we don't have a newborn. I guess we don't matter quite as much since these aren't technically our kids yet. Since we didn't conceive, carry, or give birth to these kids, our journey isn't one that gets to be celebrated. We didn't get a baby shower. It worked out that Baby J's first birthday party was shortly after we got him, though. I also had a couple friends donate some clothing for him. For those things I am grateful. These kids aren't going without, which I appreciate, but that's only part of it.

What about the aspects that people don't think about? What about the fact that we are raising kids that we know nothing about? We don't know their family history. We don't even know who Baby J's father is. We have to leave medical history blank. What about the fact that we now have not one but TWO kids within a 4 month period? They're not infants, but they're both toddlers, exactly 13 months a part. I know my mom did it. I know my aunt did it. Kudos to them. It isn't an easy feat. They also had 10  months to prepare for the second baby on the way. I had a day. I had a few hours to prepare for Baby J entering our life. I had a day to prepare for Sister J entering our life. We're still adjusting and adapting. We're doing the best we can. Our social worker thinks I'm a rock star. The kids' social worker forgets that we're new to fostering because of the good job we're doing. The kids' guardian ad litem is constantly telling me how happy she is with how the kids are doing. I appreciate all of those ladies so much...but it's so difficult to do this on a daily basis when the people in our lives don't seem to get it.

This situation is NOT the same as giving birth to a child or two close together. It's so much more difficult in a lot of ways. I have to confront demons from their past that I can't even put a name or face to. There are days when all I can do is shove Baby J up my shirt to give him skin to skin time because he is SO out of sorts, and I have no idea why. There are times when Sister J says, "Mommy! Don't hurt my face!" and I just have to reassure her that Mommy and Daddy are NOT going to hurt her face. We're not going to hurt her at all. That we LOVE her.

Most days, these kids are the happiest of kids. I know they feel safe here. I know they know they're loved. However, these kids also have pasts that even their social worker don't know about. They've felt abandoned, alone, scared, hurt, etc. It makes some days very challenging for me. There are days where I've jokingly, but almost seriously, asked Vance to come home because I was going to lose it.

Motherhood is difficult at times. I get that. I'm ok with it. I'm not afraid of a challenge. I never have been. This is who I am DESTINED to be. God has this entire situation in his hands. I know this. I know these kids are MEANT to be with us. I am SO thankful these kids are in my life. I am not the same person I was before I met them. They've changed me for the better. They removed a dark veil from over my heart and filled my days with sunshine. However, there are days, days like today, that I struggle. I get overwhelmed. I just need a moment. It doesn't help that we all have pretty gross colds, and I could really use a shower...which I'll get at nap time.

I know today will be better. Vance will get home from work. We're going to church for a children's ministry volunteer meeting. My dad is going to watch the kids for us so we can both attend. A nice little hour and a half break will do me wonders. Nap time will do me wonders...especially since I'll get that shower.

"Mama said there'll be days like this...there'll be days like this my mama said..."