We aren't pregnant...shocker, right? We don't know if we'll ever be pregnant. I have only a slight glimmer of hope in the forefront of my mind that we will ever BE pregnant. I've pretty much accepted that if we do get pregnant, it'll be a miracle...also known as a God-ordained life event. I'm ok with that...most days. I can't say that I'm "over it" because, for goodness' sake, this isn't something you just "get over." It's my life. My body. My lack of conceiving a child.
But it's ok. It's ok because even though I cry when I think too long about it, even though I am ok most days and only have a couple of rough days every other month or so, even though I still battle the green-eyed monster whenever someone gets pregnant "on accident," I know, in my heart of hearts, that my life is not my own. Even though I am holding back tears and trying not to lose it as I type this, I am content with letting God be in control, even if that means I never get to be pregnant. That thought DOES terrify me. I think that's ok and that God's cool with it. I think He can handle my fear and sorrow over the thought of possibly never being able to carry my baby inside of me, to never experience child birth, to never feel a kick, somersault, or hiccup from within me. If God can (and does) have control over my life, he certainly can handle my insecurities, fears, doubts, and heartache. Afterall, what is a Father for?
I don't really know where we're going from here. I'm needing a doctor's visit, but between work and finances...geesh. We're going to try to get an appointment in August and discuss options. I've lost 32.4 lbs, so maybe they'll take me a bit more seriously when I say I want to have a baby. W'ell see...
Please take a gander at this post Ashley wrote back in April. She has a fantastic blog about her struggles with infertility. She adopted a daughter, carried her son, and is currently pregnant with her third child! Even though she already has kids, she's still infertile. She needs the extra help getting pregnant. She totally gets me without never having met me. I love her for her bluntness, honesty, and openness about something that so often gets ignored. Please don't ignore this link. It's important to me.
Oh Angela, I'm so sorry you have to feel this hurt. One of my aunts tried for almost five years and finally gave up... then two weeks later called to say she was pregnant. My parents had finally given up on having a second child and about a month later found out they were pregnant with my brother. I think sometimes God is waiting for something else... whether it's an awesome job opportunity we don't realize will happen, a family member getting their stuff together so they can be there for the baby more, a healthier lifestyle, whatever, sometimes I think He just wants us to hang on, just a minute, it's not quite time yet.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and giving you the biggest virtual hug you've ever received. This too shall pass!
Thanks, Sara! I totally appreciate this comment!! :-)
Deletexo,
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