TTC Update from 12/12/11

If you aren't familiar with the background info of my hubs and my journey trying to conceive (TTC) please click here and start from the beginning.

If you read my FB updates before I disabled it (until at least New Year's Day) then you'll know I had a doctor's appointment on December 12th to discuss our next step in this whole TTC journey. What I haven't talked about (with people other than my mom, sisters, and a friend or two) is what went on at the appointment.

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I will preface to say that I do not have insurance. My husband works for his father's TINY business, and we just can't afford to put me on the insurance plan. SO, judge me if you'd like, but we go to a low income clinic for my appointments. The doctors are all from a family practice and/or local hospitals, so we're not getting second class care, just second class rates...and sometimes treatment. Let me explain.

After waiting for an hour, (our appointment was at 3) we finally got to go into an examination room. There, we waited for only a couple of minutes before Dr. Cassidy's (the doctor we were referred to back at our November appointment) resident came in and asked us about all of our fertility background. He asked me about my cycle from when I was 13. I had to guess at some of the answers because how am I supposed to remember how many days my cycle was when I was 13, 14, 15, or heck even 20 years old?? I'm 26! I told him everything I knew and remembered. He was super nice, but I could tell he was slightly uncomfortable since I told him about my cervical mucous, how many times my husband and I have sex, etc. I'm sure he'll get used to it. After all, he's a doctor. Anyway, he left for a good 20 minutes. The next time the door opened, my favorite nurse, the head nurse, walked in with a blood kit. My heart sank. I REALLY didn't want a repeat of the last two times I visited there. They couldn't get any blood out!!! I was also kind of sick. I had a stomach bug Sunday/Monday. I asked her, as calmly as I could, what was going on. (Vance was in the bathroom at that time.) She explained that Dr. Cassidy advised getting blood work done. My reaction??? Well...inside I was telling myself not to cry, wondering where the heck Vance was, confused as all get out, and ANGRY that the doctor couldn't/didn't even spend ANY time talking to me before ordering tests and sending me on my way. Outside, I asked why and then asked (read:demanded) to see Dr. Cassidy. Oh and I also texted Vance to get back here. (My mom gave me huge props for demanding to see the doctor.)

The sweet nurse went and got Dr. Cassidy. She came in, introduced herself, and asked what I needed to talk to her about. At this point, I was seriously tired, sick feeling, HOT, and NOT wanting to have blood drawn...or attempted. I told her I needed more information about what kind of tests she feels like I needed, why she feels that way, and what options I had. That's when my world rattled a little. She told me she thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I racked my brain. Nothing computed. I didn't understand what that was or what that meant to me. She explained that it makes me insulin resistant. (What????) I almost broke down crying. I didn't feel well. I didn't understand. And Dr. Cassidy acted like I was inconveniencing her by requesting to see her. Her resident was super nice though. She explained that the blood test would test my thyroid, check my insulin, etc. She said my weight was a huge factor in all of this, but that if I do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, then it plays a major factor in my weight, i.e. making it easier to gain and harder to lose. (The other symptoms of PCOS that I have are a varying menstrual cycle and darkening around the armpits and groin area. I don't have the hair growth, voice deepening, thinning hair, bad acne, etc.) I still wasn't grasping it all. I felt slightly stupid quite honestly. It just wasn't computing. I just stated that I was not having blood work done that day. It was just all too much for me. She said it was fine and that I could come back any time and get it done. She also said if I do have PCOS, (P.S. I didn't know Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was the same as PCOS until later when I got home and read some stuff about it. I told you I wasn't computing.) then I  could start Metformin, a drug that helps control insulin by helping your body process it, which results in your body NOT having extra insulin, so it CAN'T be sent to the liver, which makes it so that it CAN'T be turned into body fat. I liked the sound of that. She said it will make it easier for me to continue to lose weight. (I've been working on it and doing fairly well!)

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Anyway, Vance asked if it is possible for me to go ahead and get a script and skip the blood work for now. Dr. Cassidy said it is possible, but that if we decided to do blood work, the meds can mask the true counts in my blood. Everyone, including Vance, was staring at me for an answer in the HOT exam room. I think I said, "I don't know." like 5 times. Then finally Dr. Cassidy said, "Well, how about we give you a few more minutes to discuss it, and you can let us know?" I agreed. I quite honestly just wanted them to all stop staring and pressuring me. They left. I broke down. I just started crying. I wasn't prepared for this news. I wasn't prepared for blood work. I wasn't feeling well. It was HOTTER THAN HADES IN THERE. I was tired. We had been there for TWO HOURS already. I was done.

So what was our decision? We didn't really make one yet. The nurse came back in and asked what we wanted to do. We told her we'd like the prescription and to go home and do more research before we decide if we want to fill it or not. Dr. Cassidy also left us some info about PCOS at the front desk. We "checked out" and went home.

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As soon as I walked in the door, I went straight into our bedroom, pulled the covers up, and cried. And cried. And cried. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I see now that I was just caught off guard. Oh and I started my period the next day. That explains a lot actually. Heh. When Vance finally convinced me to get up and get some dinner, I started reading the info the doctor gave me. (That's when I realized PCOS was short for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.) I started to be ok...well as ok as I could possibly be given the circumstances. That all went down hill a couple of hours later. I was browsing Facebook and came across a sonogram picture. I have a lot of pregnant friends, so I figured it was one of theirs. No. It wasn't. It was my husband's best friend's profile announcing their pregnancy. They've only been trying for a few months. So unfair. (Side note: I AM happy for them. I'm just not happy for me.) I was crushed. I was a little angry that they didn't have the decency to call us and tells us before broadcasting it all on FB. Then Vance told me his friend had called that morning, but we were still asleep. Regardless, the news sent me on another meltdown for a bit.

The next day, I had to go to work. I had to suck it up and deal with it. I had to move forward. That's one of the best things I could/can do. I'm still coming to terms with everything and researching about possibilities and such. We decided to go ahead with the meds and see what happens with my cycle in the next few months. Hopefully this is our ticket to pregnancy. Please keep praying for us!!

"Update:" I originally wrote this post on 12/16/11. I was in a good place and felt like I could share an update without crying through it all. [I succeeded!] Anyway, it is now 12/18, and I need to add something I saw today on Post Secret. Someone's secret they sent in could have easily been mine. It isn't mine. Nor is mine truly a secret since I write it all on a blog, but I think you'll catch my drift. 

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Post Secret also has message boards. People go to the message boards and talk about the secrets. I stumbled upon the boards while looking for the Post Secret email address (still didn't find the email addy!) Anyway, one of the responses to the post card above said something that made me cry as well as say, "YES! That person totally gets it! Well said!" Here is what the poster said...

chastarue Community Member Joined: 28 Jun 2008 Location: Colorado

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:20 pm    Post subject: Adoption is not a cure for infertility. While I see the point and it's difficult for many to understand, including myself at times, it is a completely different experience. I am a huge adoption supporter (in the process currently) but it is simply not a cure for infertility. It can be an alternative to those who have mourned the loss of their fertility and the loss to conceive biological children and have decided that this is a road they can see themselves on. But it is not a replacement nor a substitute to giving life to your own child. I wish ALL people would consider adoption, fertile or not, but I know my infertile best friend hates hearing how they should give up and adopt. Why don't people say that to "fertile" people as well?

As much as my husband and I want to adopt, it's just a completely different experience. It's nice to know that people, other than non-fertile individuals, can actually "get it!"

EDIT (12/20/11): We decided to go ahead with the Metformin for the next couple of months and see what it does for my cycle. We then may request Clomid in addition to Metformin. We'll see what happens. :-)

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Lady Parts Visit

As you can probably tell from the title of the post, I finally had my gyno appointment to check out my plumbing to see if it's the cause of us not conceiving. Of course, the one doctor who works at this clinic that ISN'T an expert in child conceiving, bearing, birthing, etc. is the one doctor I got. She was super nice, though! She says they all care for patients from "womb to tomb" (which made me giggle) but that her area of expertise is the latter half of that statement.

 I have a confession to make. This was my first lady parts physical. I know. I know. I should have had one a long time ago. I'm 25. They recommend getting one at 18. I figured since I wasn't sexually active, I didn't need one. There is no excuse for me not getting one before Vance and I got married or since then...but being without insurance, I didn't feel like it was a priority. Please spare the gasps of horror and the scoldings. I know I should have done this a long time ago, but I was kind of scared since we weren't conceiving.

ANYWAY...when I told the doctor (whose name I cannot remember!!) that I had never had a lady parts exam, she didn't make me feel guilty. She didn't scold me. She, jokingly, said, "Never is a long time. It's good that you decided to do this. It's the first step in figuring out what's going on with your body when conceiving." Perfect answer, if you ask me. I didn't need a lecture, so it's nice that she didn't lecture me!

Not even kidding. This totally happened to me! [Source]

As you ladies know, the whole get naked and put on a paper gown and paper blanket and be felt up and down by strangers isn't exactly the most comfortable thing....unless you're a prostitute..., but I really wasn't uncomfortable thanks to this wonderful lady doctor and lady nurse! She explained everything and showed me the ahem...tools...that she was going to use before she used them. Now, I'm not a control freak. I'm a type C (with a few type B traits) not a type A personality, so I don't feel the need to run the show all the time, but I feel more comfortable when I am well-informed. She kept me well-informed, explained what was happening down there before and while it happened, and complimented me on how well I was doing. She also complimented me on my cervix, thankyouverymuch. She said it was perfectly positioned. (Apparently, your cervix could be weirdly positioned.) She said I was the easiest first timer she's ever had, thankyouverymuchagain. She also said I was the most ticklish. (Oops!) When she pushed on my pelvis to feel my ovaries and uterus, I giggled like a school girl. It was ridiculous, but I couldn't help it.

After I got all cleaned up (um yeah...that was gross) the head nurse at the clinic came in to draw my blood. If you read this post, you may remember that last week when they tried to draw my blood, I wouldn't bleed...until after they removed the needle. (What?!) After being poked 5 times with a large and a small needle, we gave up and decided to wait until this week's appointment to try again. (I was seriously sick for the rest of the day last Tuesday!) Well, the head nurse rocks. Seriously. She got blood out of my arm back in July very easily, even though I clotted faster than most people. Well, sad to say, nothing came out again!!! Ya know, except when she removed the needle and it squirted like crazy. (The hubs said it seriously came shooting out. I wasn't watching, so I have no idea.) She even used the large needle right off the bat! I was so disappointed, but I wasn't getting stuck 5-6 times again this week! It was 3:45pm. I had been fasting since 10:00pm the night before. I drank my weight in water (or so it seemed) but I was starving and quite honestly didn't want to make myself sick. The nurse was super sweet about it letting it be my call and didn't try to convince me to try again. She said I am healthy and since I had no symptoms of anything like diabetes, that it isn't pertinent to get the blood draw yesterday. Whew. So glad I didn't have to get stuck again...and again...and again.

Results:
1. I'm overweight. (They didn't tell me that or talk about my weight, but I know this and am working on it.)
2. All my lady parts looked/felt great.
3. Pap smear results will be in in a couple of weeks. The Doctor said she thinks they'll come back completely normal.
4. The hubs gets to go get his swimmers tested soon. (When she mentioned they'll give him a PlayBoy, I pretty much threw up in my mouth. I'm pretty sure he did, too. We're both very against porn and even when he wasn't living a Godly life back in the day, he wasn't into it.)
5. Our next appointment is December 12 to discuss the next step in our TTC journey with a specialist. At that time, it's possible Clomid may be prescribed and/or other options.

Keep praying for us! We can certainly feel them!

Don't forget about the Snugs Boutique going on! It ends November 8th at 12:01am! 

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Things DIdn't Go According To Plan

I went in for my blood work today. Needless to say that if you read the title of this post, things did not go well.

I go to a clinic that services people of lower incomes, since we can't afford to put me on the hubs' insurance right now. His insurance is super expensive since only 4 people work in the business that his dad co-owns. It would seriously cost us around $300/month to cover me with insurance. That's JUST insurance for me. That doesn't cover both he and I...just me. SO...we found a clinic that has lower rates for people without insurance. The nurses there are super nice, the clinic is clean, and the doctors who work there also work at two of the local hospitals in Winston-Salem. It's a nice alternative to having to pay huge bills at other office's and/or having to pay $300/month for insurance that I would rarely use. (I'm not sick very much.)

Anyway...today they were super nice, it didn't take long for them to call me back to get my blood drawn and it wasn't super crowded when we went in. A very nice, semi-unsure of herself nurse called me back to a meeting room/break room. Pretty much every other room had actual patients in them. (Tuesdays are the day that an OBGYN specialist is in the clinic, so they have a higher traffic volume on Tuesdays.) The nurse was super nice. I showed her the vein that nurses usually use to draw my blood and it turned out to be the best vein to try. Sadly, it yielded very little blood. She didn't hurt me until the very end when she had to go in deeper on the second stick. As soon as I said it hurt, she stopped. She apologized a million times, but it really wasn't her fault my vein wasn't producing much blood! She went and got another nurse while I drank some water and tried not to feel sick, even though I felt like I was getting a little nauseated. (I wasn't supposed to eat anything before going in.)

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The next nurse came in and was nice, but not as nice as the first lady, although she was more confident in her abilities. She tried using the same vein, but in a different part. She pumped my veins up a bit more. Sadly, the smaller needle didn't yield ANY blood this time after two different sticks, so she broke out the big one. UGH. That was no fun. It wasn't too bad, but I wish I hadn't looked at it before she put it in. What's worse is that I STILL didn't bleed. My hubs joked that he should have gotten me drunk before we came so that I would bleed freely! By this point, I was feeling REALLY nauseated, almost like I was going to vomit, as well as dizzy, so I said I needed her to stop. So...5 sticks in...one being from a big needle...and still not enough blood to run any test with. That nurse left to get the head nurse to see if maybe SHE could do something. I drank some more water, used the bathroom and tried not to vomit/pass out. I leaned on my hubs and whined a little. (Have I ever told you how great of a husband I have??)

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The head nurse came in and I told her how I was feeling, so we moved into a patient room where I could lay back on a table and focus my breathing to alleviate some of the nausea. Well, every time I leaned back, I felt like I was going to throw up. Every time I leaned forward, the nurse thought I was going to fall over and off the table. She tried a tourniquet on my opposite arm (right one) to see if she could get any veins to pop up. She is the nurse that did my blood-drawn pregnancy test back in July/August. She's super nice and she nailed it last time. Well...she didn't get a chance to try it. I almost tossed my cookies. I won't go into detail, but we all decided it was time to stop treating me like a pincushion and save it for another day. The head nurse, whose name I can barely pronounce, let alone try to spell, was super nice about it all and said they could just do the blood work at my appointment next week.

After we left, the hubs got me something to eat, I took a long nap, and I feel much better now...besides my sore left arm. ;-) Keep praying for us! We're at the beginning of what could be a long road...especially if my veins aren't going to cooperate!

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Tests are for Students...Right?

Tomorrow, I go into the doctor's for some tests. These tests are a prelude to my big "fertility" appointment on November 1st. I am slightly nervous. I hope everything turns out relatively alright. I also hope we're able to get some answers after this visit and next week's visit. We're praying that it will be as simple as "Here's some Clomid; come back and see us when you're pregnant in 1-6 months." However, I realize that may not be the case. I am basically being forced to face up to the fact that we may not be able to conceive with or without drugs. We're taking one step at a time and not going before God. We're just hoping and praying that everything works out. We're also hoping and praying for our little miracle. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

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What's Going On With My Body? Part 2

Before you read this post, you might want to check out Tuesday's post for part 1.

As I left off on Tuesday, I promised to update you on our future plans.

Currently, we're making plans to get physicals and lady/gentlemen exams done.

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I have an appointment for Nov. 1 (the first one available sadly and that's only because of a cancelation) for a physical/OBGYN exam. At least a week prior to that appointment, I have to go in to get some tests ran pertaining to my thyroid, among other things. Hopefully, that will be all it takes to get some answers. Hopefully they'll be able to say that I'm relatively healthy (my weight has always been an issue, but I am currently working on that aspect) and that I have no fallopian tube blockage. I have a sneaky suspicion that I am not ovulating. I'm hoping they might be able to tell me why my cycle isn't regular, why I'm not ovulating, but still getting my period most months (if they determine I'm not ovulating) and why we're not conceiving.

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If something is wrong with my insides, then we'll have to deal with that when it comes. I was telling my mom on Sunday how nervous I am about them finding something wrong with me. She basically told me that worrying about it and getting upset about it before it even happens is a waste of time and energy. We have to pray for patience, for an accepting spirit, and for a positive attitude. I'm not as nervous right now as I am hopeful. I'm hopeful we'll finally get some answers. I'm praying for no more heartache, but if we get bad news, we'll deal with it.

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As for the hubs, we're looking into getting his swimmers tested as well as he getting a physical. If the "problem" lies with him, then I guess we'll have to see where our options lie. I know he's a bit worried about it being his "fault," but I'm trying to talk him out of that mindset. He has a past involving drugs. According to him, if you smoke pot with the seeds in it, you're more likely to have fertility issues later in life. I have no idea about any of that. I've never done drugs. Regardless, I still don't consider it his fault if the issue does lie with him. As I asked him last night, "If the problem doesn't lie with you, then is it MY fault?" He said, "No of course not!" I said, "Then it can't be your fault either. It isn't about fault."

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"Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;

break forth into singing and cry aloud,

you who have not been in labor!

For the children of the desolate one will be more

than the children of her who is married," says the LORD. 

For a brief moment I deserted you,

   but with great compassion I will gather you."

--Isaiah 54:1,7--

Any advice you'd like to bestow? Any personal experiences you'd like to share? Please leave all positive and encouraging words in the comments below!

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

What's Going on With My Body? Part 1

For those of you who have been reading Angela's Favorite Things for the last few months, you know that the hubs and I are having issues TTC (trying to conceive.) You can catch up with our journey here.

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Back in July, we thought our wait was over. It turns out, my cycle was just being wonky. It got to be so far into my cycle without getting my period that I was convinced I was pregnant. I even had some of the signs. No I didn't wish so hard that my body felt like it was pregnant. I actually didn't consider that I might be pregnant UNTIL the signs of pregnancy showed up and stuck around. I didn't get my period until day 54 of my cycle. Since September of 2010, my typical cycle was 31-34 days long. After a blood test confirming my worst fear of not being pregnant, there was still a good week or two weeks before I actually bled. It hurt (emotionally), but at least I finally had closure for that cycle. I was optimistic that we got a chance to start over. A brand new cycle. A brand new chance to conceive.

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Day one of the new cycle was July 15. I'm STILL experiencing that cycle, and I don't know why. I have not had my period since July 15 and the 3-4 days after that. I don't know why. I don't understand it. I've taken two different tests, from two different brands, at two different times. According to those tests, I am not pregnant.

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I've had several times since July that I felt like I was going to start my period. I'd get cramps one day and expect to wake up the next morning and have my "monthly" visitor. No dice. I'm not sure what's causing my "delay." I'm not sure why we aren't conceiving. I'm not sure if anything is wrong with my plumbing...or with the hub's swimmers...but we're going to find out.

Stay tuned and check back Thursday to read about our future plans!

Any advice? Leave it below, please! Oh and as always, your prayers and positive thoughts are so greatly appreciated!

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Please Don't Give Up On Me Yet...

Not many of you out there in Blog Land (or you visitors from Facebook Land...welcome!) understand what it's like to want a baby so bad and keep getting denied month...after month...after month. I know that it doesn't always work on the first time. I know all the circumstances have to be PERFECT for a baby to conceive. I know that even with two people who have no personal infertility issues, it can still take awhile for them to make a baby. I KNOW all of those things, among others. However, when you FEEL the way I do, you don't CARE about the logistics. You don't care that you're doing everything that you can, because dang it, it just doesn't feel like you're doing enough when you aren't getting the results you desire.

I think it's difficult for me because I am a perfectionist. Not only is not being pregnant month after month heart-breaking, but it's also a slam against my pride. I feel kinda dumb for feeling this way, but they're my feelings and I'll feel them if I want to. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo. :-P Ok. All childishness aside, I feel like I should be DOING something else to make it work. I feel like I've done something to somehow make myself fail at this whole baby-making thing. Yes. I know. That's unreasonable. However, if you are a perfectionist, you know that often times, when things don't turn out the way we think they should, we often think of unreasonable/irrational explanations that somehow imply it's our own fault. (No? That's only something I do? Alrighty then.)

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If you don't get it, don't worry about it. It's a math joke about irrational numbers.

I guess what I find most frustrating right now is that regardless of that negative (read:stupid) blood-drawn pregnancy test, I still have all of the pregnancy signs that made me (and others) feel like I should get the dumb blood test to begin with! I still have weird spurts of nausea and headaches. I still have metal mouth at times. I still am fatigued. I still have bloatiness throughout my stomach that doesn't feel the same as it does during PMS. I still have crazy tender boobage. Like so sore that I can't sleep on my stomach because it crushes and hurts my nipples. (Sorry if that's TMI, but I'm trying to get my point across.) I still haven't gotten my period. I'm on day 49 of my cycle. (I've had a regular 31-34 day cycle since last September.)My husband even looked at me two nights ago and said, "Have your boobs gotten bigger?" Great. I already have DD's. I don't need them getting bigger for no flipping reason!

So what to conclude?
A) The blood test was wrong.
      Yes, I know it happens. Yes, so-and-so's sister's cousin's second cousin had it happen to her, but that doesn't mean that's the case with me. There's the exception and the rule. The rule is that blood tests are accurate. There is always a small percentage that the blood test is wrong, but those cases are not as common, thus they are the exception. Until further notice, I consider myself the rule, not the exception.
B) I just skipped my period this month and everything will go back to the way it was next month.
     This is my hope anyway...if A doesn't pan out. I just hope that something in my insides didn't go haywire to where it won't fix itself naturally. In the past, I didn't know when my period was coming. I didn't know if I'd get it at all. In college, I was stressed, overworked, and underslept most of the time, so it never surprised me to miss my period. Hopefully, whatever is going on with my body will straighten itself out...if A isn't true.
C) Something is medically wrong.
     I'm not fully ready to grasp this reality, so we shall revisit it another time.

I'm taking it a day at a time...

P.S. Be sure to come back tomorrow for Bella Parola's first ever Friday Freebie!! :-)

No Dice.

For those who are wondering...the blood drawn pregnancy test was negative. I am not pregnant. Please keep praying for us.

Pregnancy, Prints, and Parola, Oh My!

Greetings friends!
I realize I have been absent for quite a bit these past couple of weeks. For that I apologize. I am just working a lot, starting a new business, feeling naused out, etc. So...let's get down to business.

I know my post title mentions pregnancy and for anyone who read my last blog entry, TTC, you know my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for the past year or so. Well...I am not getting my hopes up too high, nor am I jumping to conclusions, but let me lay the facts out for you...
1. I used an ovulation prediction kit this month. I got a smiley face (meaning I was going to ovulate within a couple of days) June 21st, or day 19 of my cycle.
2. My cycle lasts 31-34 days.
3. The hubs and I did the baby dance (Thanks Amy @ Dandelion Paperweight for that term! Love it!)
4. I have been naused out for the last week and a half to two weeks. It only happens every so often. I've only had the urge to vomit 2 or 3 times during that time.
5. I'm on day 39 of my cycle. Still no period or signs that I'm going to get one.
6. I have taken two pregnancy tests that came back negative.
7. My mom's second pregnancy (my sister Kristin) only came back positive with a blood test.
8. My mom only had real "morning" sickness with my sister, Hannah (her third pregnancy.)
Conclusion: I might be pregnant. I might not be pregnant. Still too early to tell, but it's nice to think of the possibility, without allowing my hopes to get up too high. Every time I go to the bathroom, I'm afraid I'm going to see the start of my period. So far...so good. Keep praying for/thinking of me, please! Positive thoughts, people, positive thoughts!!

Which brings me to item number two/three in my title. Prints and Parola. Prints as in the digital kind. Parola as in "word" in Italian. I have now opened an Etsy shop called Bella Parola (meaning Beautiful Word) selling digital prints. Each print can be customized with background color, font type, font color, and optional single or double borders. Each print is 300ppi and is emailed to you as an 8x10 JPEG file. You may then print it at home or have it professionally printed at Wal-Mart, Shutterfly, CVS, etc. You may use the print in your own home decorating in places such as nurseries, bedrooms, living rooms, entry ways, hallways, etc. OR give a framed copy to a friend or family member as a gift. Don't see the quote/song lyric/saying/verse that you'd like? No problem! Just email me with your request and I will make one for you! I also have a Bella Parola Facebook page. If you have FB, please check me out and "like" my page on there, too!

Here are a few "proof" samples:

TTC

People say the hardest years of marriage are the first three years, especially the first year. I find that difficult to believe. I would think the first year of your first child's life would be most difficult. However, if the first year of marriage is any indication of what's to come with the hubs, then I am SO excited about it. :-) I know a lot of people go through growing pains their first year or so of marriage, but Vance and I seemed to adjust fairly easily. We have had two fights the entire time we've known each other. Yep. Just two. We just don't fight. We choose to discuss instead of fight. Now, don't get me wrong, we've disagreed on some things and have had to come to a compromise or discuss things until we came to common ground, but we pretty much refuse to let ourselves get heated with each other. After all, when you're on the same team, it's not a good idea to go against each other.

Even though this last year of marriage was amazing, it had the potential to be toxic. Ever since day one of our marriage, we've been trying to conceive (TTC.) Emphasis on trying. I've never been on birth control. We've never used birth control. I've never had any issues with my internal lady parts. I do not have PCOS. I do not have ovarian cysts. However, I do not have a regular cycle and when it is regular, it is usually 31-34 days long instead of the standard 28 days. I am grateful that I DO ovulate, though it may not be as regular or as "standard" as I'd like.

From before the hubs and I were married, we day dreamed about starting a family right away. I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a wife and a mommy. I thought I also wanted to be a teacher, but now that I am a "grown-up," I know I am called to fulfill my role as wife and mommy first and foremost. The hubs and I knew that not everyone got pregnant the first month, but we were optimistic as my mom and aunts are very fertile as it seems. ;-) Well...after three-four months of not getting me period on the days I "should" and taking early pregnancy tests and normal tests. I still wasn't pregnant. I was very discouraged. I also wasn't getting my period every month, which again, is disheartening as no period=no ovulating. No ovulating=no chance of getting pregnant that month. Around Thanksgiving though, my period came. Then it came in December. Then in January, February, March, April, and May. It was every 31-34 days. Although I wasn't conceiving, it was still nice of the reminder that I am able to. I am ovulating. Praise God for that! 

I have had many moments this past year where I've felt alone, even with the hubs right by my side. I have had irrational feelings of desperation, loneliness, being forsaken, etc. I had a couple times where I screamed and cried and asked God "WHY?! Why do others get babies when I don't? Why do unwed teenagers get babies and I don't? Why do negligent mothers get babies and I don't? Why does Michelle Duggar get 19 babies and I can't even have ONE?!" After a couple of nights of asking those questions, dealing with the reality of people having babies all around me, and having meltdowns where all I could do was sob, I came to the realization that it isn't about me. It isn't about what I'm doing right or wrong. It isn't about what Vance is or isn't doing. It isn't about what we want and getting it when we want it. It's about what God wants and about HIS timing.

Do you remember me saying that Vance and I daydreamed about starting a family right away even before we were married? We also prayed for God to do it in HIS timing. It took me several months to remember that prayer. It took me several moments of selfishness to remember HE reigns. It took me several moments of brokenness to remember that I do not live for myself but for the Almighty God. He knows what's best for me. He knows the desires of my heart. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my comforter, my rock, and my salvation. 

I am in a MUCH better place mentally and spiritually than I was several months ago. However, I still have my down moments and still have my jealous moments when it seems like everyone is pregnant. I've had to "hide" a lot of my pregnant friends on Facebook. If any of them read this, please know that it is nothing personal. I did it for my mental health. I am VERY happy for every person/couple who recently had a baby and who are pregnant currently. My lack of pregnant belly does NOT make me any less excited and happy for those who have conceived. :-)

So, where do we go from here? 

1. I started an ovulation kit this month to see when my LH levels surge and we can TTC when I am most fertile. It takes most of the guessing work out of it. 

2. We're going to go see a doctor within the next couple of weeks to make sure everything is still kosher with me and my basement area. 

3. We're going to ask for me to be put on Clomid if everything in my lady parts region checks out.

4. We're going to keep TTC, while trusting God to be the ultimate decider.

5. I'm working out 5-6 times a week to try to get my body in a healthier state. It's easy to conceive/carry a baby if you're in good shape. Go HERE to see how I'm doing/encourage me!

What Can You Do For Me?

1. Don't tell me to relax, and it will happen. I reserve the right to bite your head off if you do not heed this warning.

2. Pray for us! Pray for us to conceive. Pray for us to be patient. Pray for us to continue trusting God.

3. Don't discourage us. Don't tell us maybe it isn't the time or maybe God's plan isn't for us to conceive or that adoption may be our only option. We do want to adopt, but we don't want to hear that it's our only option, right now. As for God's plan, it may not be His timing yet, but we certainly don't need you or anyone else reminding us of that...especially if you already have a kid or two.

4. Encourage us. Let us know you're praying for us. If you aren't a praying person, let us know that you hope we conceive soon. Notes of encouragement are ALWAYS welcomed, just please be sensitive to what you say and the words you use to say it.

Thanks for being a supportive blog community. Thanks to those that post their struggles in their blogs. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.