Hurry Up and Wait

My husband has always told me that his father, being a military man, raised in a military family, has always had the "hurry up and wait" mentality. This means that if he's only five minutes early, he's actually late. He'd rather get somewhere excessively early and wait, than be "on time" or GASP, even late! My mother-in-law is like that, but not to the same extreme. The hubs has become less and less a hurry up and wait kind of guy since he knows I like to be early, but not super early! (Thank goodness!!!) I love my in-laws, but the hurry up and wait thing drives me a bit bonkers! Then again, my parents tend to be the five minutes late kind of people, which also drives me a bit bonkers! (I'm a five minutes early kind of gal!)

That leads me to foster care. Oh foster care...how I loathe your LONG and tedious process! We're currently in the hurry up and wait phase. Everything is done and submitted with our application and such. We can't do anything now to speed up the process. We've crossed every "t" and dotted every "i." We've signed every last paper. We've checked off every box. So what do we do now?

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We wait.

Since ancient times no one has heard,

no ear has perceived,

no eye has seen any God besides you,

who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

Isaiah 64:4 (NIV)

Progress!

What's going on with the foster to adopt process you may be thinking? (If not, will you at least pretend you're interested??)

Well...we've made progress! Our social worker sent us our homestudy bio to proofread. Oh my word. It is LONG...and full of errors. Oi vey. Between typos, mixed up info, and inaccurate info, I found 30 corrections. That doesn't include grammar or flow issues.

My two favorite oopsies include one about my Great Grandma Sweetie who passed away last August and one involving Vance.

1. Our social worker wrote that my Great Grandma Sweetie's name is Betty "Sweetie" White. I laughed for a good couple of minutes at that one. My great grandma is Betty White?!?! That is fantastic!!!

Granted, I prefer that my great grandma be who she was, but I LOVE that our social worker put that her name was Betty White! Here's my response to her via email, "This one made me laugh really hard! (In a good way!) My great grandma's name was Juanita "Sweetie" Bumgardner. We always called her the Betty White of the family because of Rose Nyland from Golden Girls, who Betty White played."

I was like...20 here. Possibly 19. 

2. Our social worker also wrote that Vance, my husband, is proud that he smoked pot. My hubs texted me saying, "For the record, I am NOT proud of smoking pot in the past!" We both got a good kick out of that! "Give us other addicts' kids! I'm proud of my pot smoking days!" Yeah...that'd send mixed messages! I responded saying, "I think it might be better if it said, 'He stated that it is something that he is NOT proud of, but it is something that did happen.' ;-)"

I haven't heard back from our social worker, but last we heard, she was working on the other portion of our application and should be done this week! YAY!! When it's all typed up and looked over, it can be submitted...FINALLY!

Please say a prayer or two for us! The "end" of the foster care application process is almost done!

What Makes A Mother?

With Mother's Day quickly approaching, it has me thinking about what TRULY makes a mother.

Is a mother someone who merely gives birth? Are you a mom once you conceive? Are you a mom as soon as you adopt? Are you a mother only when the child is legally yours?

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Merriam-Webster defines "mother" as the following:
Mother (noun)
1. a female parent
3. maternal tenderness of affection

Mother (adjective)
1b. bearing the relation of a mother

Mother (transitive verb)
2. to care for or protect like a mother

By all of the above definitions, am I a mother? Yes and no. Since I can remember, I've always mothered children...or even my siblings and cousins. (Sorry guys!) My nicknames when I was little were "the boss" and "little mother." (Among others!) I'm the oldest of all the grandchildren on both sides. Mothering comes naturally to me. I've nannied for a few families now, always treating the children just like I'd treat my own. I've loved them and cared for them just like I would my own children. I've accidentally been called mom by a couple of them, though I didn't tell their mom's for fear of hurting their feelings! However, I am not a parent. Can I be a mother without being a parent?

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Obviously, if you've read my blog for any amount of time or if you know me in person, you know I do not have children. I've yet to be able to conceive. We're applying to foster to adopt, though, which means we will be foster parents and adopt children that become "legally free" for adoption while in our care. We are also eligible to adopt children that become available for adoption without going into foster care, though that process is a little different. Do I become a parent once our application for foster care is approved? Do I qualify as a mother once a child is "placed" with us? Do I have to wait until I legally adopt a child to be considered a mother? Where's the line drawn? When do I get to be a mother???

My answer? NOW.

I am a mother now. At this very moment. As I type these words. I. Am. A. Mother. Period. End of story.

Again, how can I be a mother without having any kids? I pondered on that a good while, actually. I've come to the conclusion that just because I don't have my baby YET, doesn't mean I am not already a mother. God has a plan for me. God has gone ahead of me and prepared a baby, MY baby, for me. Because of that, I am already a mother, even though my baby isn't in my arms, yet.

I like what Wendy, from Disney's Peter Pan, says about what makes a mother.


Well a mother, a real mother, is the most wonderful person in the world;
She's the angel voice that bids you goodnight
Kisses your cheek, whispers, "Sleep tight."

Your mother and mine
Your mother and mine

The helping hand that guides you along
Whether you're right, whether you're wrong

Your mother and mine
Your mother and mine

What makes mothers all that they are?
Might as well ask, "What makes a star?"
Ask your heart to tell you her worth
Your heart will say ,"Heaven on earth."
Another word for divine,
Your mother and mine.

Birth mother. Adoptive mother. Foster mother. Pregnant mother. Step mother. Mother of a baby born sleeping. Future mother. All are mothers, regardless of the way they achieved their motherly status.

I don't expect anyone to recognize me this Sunday on Mother's Day. I won't receive any Mother's Day cards or presents. I won't be given any handprints, homemade cards, or flowers.  By society's definition, I am not a mother. I am just a woman who hasn't been able to conceive, who hasn't adopted, and has no legal rights to any child in the whole wide world.

However, I know in my heart that I AM a mother. I know God has predestined me to be a mother. He instilled DEEP within my spirit and my heart the desire to be a mother. He has given me the passion to mother. God CREATED me a mother, so pardon me while I give society a big ole "screw you" and continue singing the above song...KNOWING it's about me.

Nursery Preview

This room isn't finished by any means, but here's a quick little preview of what it looks like thus far!

(This will have a picture of our kids one day!)

Twin Bed: Craigslist

Crib: Craigslist

Bookshelf: Ikea Expedit (this color is only available in stores while supplies last)

Boxes: Ikea Drona (this color is unavailable at this time)

Twin Duvet Cover: Ikea Vandring Rav

Twin Sheet Set: Target RE Easy Care Sheet Set in Faded Green

Fox Stuffed Animals: Ikea Vandring Rav

Crib Sheet: Ikea Len

Crib Comforter: Ikea Vandring Ruta

Lamp: Ikea (this design was purchased in '09)

Swing: Hand Me Down (Fisher-Price Starlight Papasan Cradle Swing)

Elephant Rocker: Craigslist (KidKraft Enchanting Elephant Plush Musical Rocker--unavailable at this time)

Picture Frame: Christmas Gift

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I'd like to preface this post by saying
1. Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes popped into my head, but I didn't recognize it, so I had to Google it.
2. I am not a David Bowie fan, but apparently I've heard this song in my upbringing. Thanks Mom and Dad. I'm guessing you guys are the ones who exposed me...even though I didn't realize it.
3. This post isn't about this stupid song.

Now that that's out of the way...onto the real deal.
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The hubs and I have known each other for almost four years and have been married almost three years. This thought astounds me, because I feel like I just met him yesterday. (In a good way!) Three years sounds like an awfully long time to me, but to think that three years has passed seems impossible. I didn't walk down the aisle and become a Bailey three years ago! That's crazy! I only just said, "I do" yesterday...right? How in the world did three years pass without me knowing it? Odd.

However, when I really start to think about it, three years must have passed. All of those moments when an hour felt like a lifetime and a month felt like an eternity. Those moments where I wondered if I would get my period or if I would get a positive sign on one of the countless pregnancy tests I took. Those agonizing minutes to see the test results felt like three years instead of three minutes. Then to see the negative yet again, making time stand still, just briefly, while greif consumed my heart, body, and spirit. All of those weeks and months of Depression while trying to process what was going on with our bodies. Being judged by doctors who didn't want to help us, because I'm not insured. Being told that if we lost weight, things would be easier. Being told that "Maybe God isn't ready for you to be parents, yet." Being told by an aunt, in front of a lot of family members, that she shouldn't have to help pay for my pregnancy with her tax dollars if by some miracle, I finally were to get pregnant. Having my sister go toe to toe with said aunt while I bawled in my grandma's guest room and called my mom who fumed with anger about the whole situation. Then having an extended family cousin show me love and compassion when I needed it the most. All of this, of course, on one of the hardest days for me (at that time)...my cousin's baby shower day. All of those moments, when added up, feel much longer than three years. They feel like thirty years. They've aged me emotionally. All of those moments that, at the time, felt like they'd never end, changed me.

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Did they change me for the better or did they change me for the worse? I dare say, I don't know. I just know I'm different now than I was before all of this. I sometimes long for the times when I dreamed of being pregnant. I don't dream that dream much anymore. I've accepted the fact that I may never conceive/carry a child. Most days, I'm ok with it, as long as I get my babies through adoption. But some days, when I recall the joy I had over the idea of feeling a baby, MY baby, move inside of me...man...I long for the ability to dream that dream again. I wish my heart wasn't so calloused to the idea of it all. I wish I was that naive, at times. I just wish I could keep dreaming the dream that my heart so desires.

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But I can't. I just can't. I can't, and I won't allow myself to be that naive anymore. It hurts too much when that dream doesn't reach culmination. It doesn't make sense to allow myself the luxury of the dream of being pregnant, because let's face it, it may never happen. Obviously, there's still a possibility that it may happen for us one day, but I can't and don't allow myself to think like that anymore, because right now, it's just not going to happen.

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So...again with the changes. Am I better off for having my "battle scars" or am I worse for the wear? In some ways, I know I am stronger. I've been to Hell and back, emotionally, and I'm still here. I KNOW that my God is going before me to prepare a future for me that will knock my socks off. God has me (us) in the palm of his hand, and I know he has great plans for us. On the other hand, I have buried a portion of my heart. I've buried one of my greatest desires, because it is too painful to let it live freely in the daylight. It's something I only allow myself to ponder in the wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep, because only then, in a half sleep, half dream state, is it safe to dream real dreams.

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The battle scars, fear, and hurt does not define who I am or what I am about. I won't let it. I REFUSE it. It isn't something that is allowed to determine WHO or WHOSE I am. I will not be bitter because of the hand I'm currently playing with!

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I CHOOSE joy. I CHOOSE patience. I CHOOSE love. I CHOOSE to take these past three years and change for the better. I CHOOSE to let God protect my heart, but also keep me vulnerable. I CHOOSE to keep on keeping on and to face adversity hand in hand with my husband, surrounded and protected by our God. Why? Because he's got this, and I trust him to come through for me.

(Source ?)

I Want Out of This Stinking Hallway

I took an unscheduled hiatus...again. I just haven't had a lot to say. Life just keeps on rolling. I keep rolling with those punches. Proverbial, of course.

Our social worker is almost done typing up our home study to be submitted to the State! Hallelujah!  This process is ridiculously long, in case you were wondering. Oh and the whole adoption home study thing is another story. We had to postpone meeting with our adoption worker. Which reminds me, we need to reschedule that ASAP! We honestly can't wait for all this bureaucratic nonsense to be over. We just want our baby(ies) dang it! I/we still have our moments when we wonder why in the world it has to be such a long, drawn out process for us to get our babies, while some people get pregnant "on accident." However, we keep trusting God and praying that he handles it all.

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We had a discussion a couple of days ago when I was feeling a bit frustrated/down trodden. I basically expressed to the hubs how I wished everything would suddenly come easily to us once we're approved for fostering/adopting, but how I was extremely doubtful since NOTHING has been easy since we've started trying to expand our family. His reply was that I am only doubting because up until now, nothing has come easy, but that something's got to give eventually. I KNOW that all of this will be worth it in the long run, but man oh man, when you keep knocking on doors and they keep staying closed, it feels like you've ALWAYS been in that stinking hallway! We've been in this particular hallway for almost three years now. If this hallway had a name, it would be "The BLASTED Hallway of Infertility" or aka "My Personal Hell." True, we've moved from one end of the hall to another because we've come from "we can't seem to conceive" to "we're going to foster to adopt," but at the same time, the "foster to adopt" door is still closed until we get submitted, approved, then approved a few more times along the way to adoption. It's a long, drawn out process, which frankly doesn't make a lot of sense in some ways. But I digress. I can't change the system. I can't even change my own mind about trusting God because what sense does that even make?

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I/we gave God full control over this situation. Who in the world am I to question his ways??? I've recently been having some personal Job moments in my mind. It's the part of the book when Job begins to finally break down and question God and his ways. (Job lost everyone and everything but his wretched wife and his obnoxious friends.) The same phrase keeps playing in my mind. It's one of the first things God asks Job after Job has his little meltdown.

God says, "Where were you when I created the earth?"

I then have a humbling, meek moment of "Oh yeah...you did do that...oops..." God gave Job a tongue-lashing to say the least! Below is a short part of the lengthy response God gave Job. It's found in Job 38-42. (This is in The Message version.)

“Why do you confuse the issue?
    Why do you talk without knowing what you’re talking about?
Pull yourself together, Job!
    Up on your feet! Stand tall!
I have some questions for you,
    and I want some straight answers.
Where were you when I created the earth?
    Tell me, since you know so much!
Who decided on its size? Certainly you’ll know that!
    Who came up with the blueprints and measurements?
How was its foundation poured,
    and who set the cornerstone,
While the morning stars sang in chorus
    and all the angels shouted praise?
And who took charge of the ocean
    when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb?
That was me! I wrapped it in soft clouds,
    and tucked it in safely at night.
Then I made a playpen for it,
    a strong playpen so it couldn’t run loose,
And said, ‘Stay here, this is your place.
    Your wild tantrums are confined to this place.’

(Click here to read the whole passage for a true butt-kicking!)

When I get stuck in the moments of questioning God, it's so humbling when these chapters come to mind. Where WAS I when he created the earth? I wasn't even thought of yet, right? Wrong. I was. God saw me. He went before more. He made a way, HIS way, for me before the beginning of time. God spoke me into existence. He knows me. He created me. He has great plans for me. He will never let me down.

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Did You Miss Me?

I know I haven't blogged in quite some time, but I had a lot going on.

I had to grieve for my Great Grandma. I had to grieve for my fertility a bit in silence. (This will be a life long grief, but it's a sweeter grief now that God has full control over my sorrow! AMEN!) I needed some peace and quiet from the blogging community, which I was allowing to be my only outlet for myself. I have a better control over myself and my emotional outlets. I cry less. I talk more. To my hubs. To a couple of ladies who have reached out to me. To my mom. To my sister, Hannah, who is the first to cry with me if I need her to. She doesn't always understand, being that we're nine years a part and she's just now about to enter into young adult hood, but she loves me, so she hurts when I hurt. (Hannah: You have a sweet heart. Don't lose it. You mean more to me than you'll ever know. Thank you for being you.)

We've moved exponentially in our foster to adopt licensing process! We took the MAPP class from September until October. We became CPR/First Aid certified for infants-adults in November. We had our first home visit and our second home visit/application filling out visit. We filled out our individual questionnaires and had our individual interviews based on our questionnaires. We have our twin bed, our twin bed bedding, our dresser, hangers for baby/toddler clothing (to prove we have closet space for each child,) and car seats. We even have strollers, a baby swing, a travel swing, tons of newborn-4T clothing for both girls and boys, a bouncer (very pink, but who cares?), an expedit bookcase, some cloth diapers, crib sheets, a crib quilt, etc.

We currently need:

• Crib (getting this tonight for an amazing deal on Craigslist!)
• Crib Mattress (getting this tonight with the crib!)
• Individual Physicals/TB Tests (Getting those around the middle of the month)
• Fire Extinguisher (Getting this hopefully early this month)
• Carbon Monoxide Detector (Getting this hopefully early this month)
• Fire Inspection 
• One More Home Inspection (To make sure we have beds/bedding)

The list may seem long for our needs, but honestly, they should all be done before the end of February, so hopefully we'll be fully licensed by the end of March! (Here's hoping anyway!) Keep praying for us!!!

Check out a future (soon) post for a preview of what the nursery looks like at this moment! (It's a work in progress! Ha!)

xo,

A

Currently Listening To: When The Tears Fall by The Swift

Currently Reading: Love You More: The Divine Surprise of Adopting My Daughter by Jennifer Grant

Currently Watching: Army Wives and Supernatural via Netflix

Pinterest Wordless Wednesday 1/11/12

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If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

TTC Update from 12/12/11

If you aren't familiar with the background info of my hubs and my journey trying to conceive (TTC) please click here and start from the beginning.

If you read my FB updates before I disabled it (until at least New Year's Day) then you'll know I had a doctor's appointment on December 12th to discuss our next step in this whole TTC journey. What I haven't talked about (with people other than my mom, sisters, and a friend or two) is what went on at the appointment.

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I will preface to say that I do not have insurance. My husband works for his father's TINY business, and we just can't afford to put me on the insurance plan. SO, judge me if you'd like, but we go to a low income clinic for my appointments. The doctors are all from a family practice and/or local hospitals, so we're not getting second class care, just second class rates...and sometimes treatment. Let me explain.

After waiting for an hour, (our appointment was at 3) we finally got to go into an examination room. There, we waited for only a couple of minutes before Dr. Cassidy's (the doctor we were referred to back at our November appointment) resident came in and asked us about all of our fertility background. He asked me about my cycle from when I was 13. I had to guess at some of the answers because how am I supposed to remember how many days my cycle was when I was 13, 14, 15, or heck even 20 years old?? I'm 26! I told him everything I knew and remembered. He was super nice, but I could tell he was slightly uncomfortable since I told him about my cervical mucous, how many times my husband and I have sex, etc. I'm sure he'll get used to it. After all, he's a doctor. Anyway, he left for a good 20 minutes. The next time the door opened, my favorite nurse, the head nurse, walked in with a blood kit. My heart sank. I REALLY didn't want a repeat of the last two times I visited there. They couldn't get any blood out!!! I was also kind of sick. I had a stomach bug Sunday/Monday. I asked her, as calmly as I could, what was going on. (Vance was in the bathroom at that time.) She explained that Dr. Cassidy advised getting blood work done. My reaction??? Well...inside I was telling myself not to cry, wondering where the heck Vance was, confused as all get out, and ANGRY that the doctor couldn't/didn't even spend ANY time talking to me before ordering tests and sending me on my way. Outside, I asked why and then asked (read:demanded) to see Dr. Cassidy. Oh and I also texted Vance to get back here. (My mom gave me huge props for demanding to see the doctor.)

The sweet nurse went and got Dr. Cassidy. She came in, introduced herself, and asked what I needed to talk to her about. At this point, I was seriously tired, sick feeling, HOT, and NOT wanting to have blood drawn...or attempted. I told her I needed more information about what kind of tests she feels like I needed, why she feels that way, and what options I had. That's when my world rattled a little. She told me she thinks I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I racked my brain. Nothing computed. I didn't understand what that was or what that meant to me. She explained that it makes me insulin resistant. (What????) I almost broke down crying. I didn't feel well. I didn't understand. And Dr. Cassidy acted like I was inconveniencing her by requesting to see her. Her resident was super nice though. She explained that the blood test would test my thyroid, check my insulin, etc. She said my weight was a huge factor in all of this, but that if I do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, then it plays a major factor in my weight, i.e. making it easier to gain and harder to lose. (The other symptoms of PCOS that I have are a varying menstrual cycle and darkening around the armpits and groin area. I don't have the hair growth, voice deepening, thinning hair, bad acne, etc.) I still wasn't grasping it all. I felt slightly stupid quite honestly. It just wasn't computing. I just stated that I was not having blood work done that day. It was just all too much for me. She said it was fine and that I could come back any time and get it done. She also said if I do have PCOS, (P.S. I didn't know Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was the same as PCOS until later when I got home and read some stuff about it. I told you I wasn't computing.) then I  could start Metformin, a drug that helps control insulin by helping your body process it, which results in your body NOT having extra insulin, so it CAN'T be sent to the liver, which makes it so that it CAN'T be turned into body fat. I liked the sound of that. She said it will make it easier for me to continue to lose weight. (I've been working on it and doing fairly well!)

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Anyway, Vance asked if it is possible for me to go ahead and get a script and skip the blood work for now. Dr. Cassidy said it is possible, but that if we decided to do blood work, the meds can mask the true counts in my blood. Everyone, including Vance, was staring at me for an answer in the HOT exam room. I think I said, "I don't know." like 5 times. Then finally Dr. Cassidy said, "Well, how about we give you a few more minutes to discuss it, and you can let us know?" I agreed. I quite honestly just wanted them to all stop staring and pressuring me. They left. I broke down. I just started crying. I wasn't prepared for this news. I wasn't prepared for blood work. I wasn't feeling well. It was HOTTER THAN HADES IN THERE. I was tired. We had been there for TWO HOURS already. I was done.

So what was our decision? We didn't really make one yet. The nurse came back in and asked what we wanted to do. We told her we'd like the prescription and to go home and do more research before we decide if we want to fill it or not. Dr. Cassidy also left us some info about PCOS at the front desk. We "checked out" and went home.

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As soon as I walked in the door, I went straight into our bedroom, pulled the covers up, and cried. And cried. And cried. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I see now that I was just caught off guard. Oh and I started my period the next day. That explains a lot actually. Heh. When Vance finally convinced me to get up and get some dinner, I started reading the info the doctor gave me. (That's when I realized PCOS was short for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.) I started to be ok...well as ok as I could possibly be given the circumstances. That all went down hill a couple of hours later. I was browsing Facebook and came across a sonogram picture. I have a lot of pregnant friends, so I figured it was one of theirs. No. It wasn't. It was my husband's best friend's profile announcing their pregnancy. They've only been trying for a few months. So unfair. (Side note: I AM happy for them. I'm just not happy for me.) I was crushed. I was a little angry that they didn't have the decency to call us and tells us before broadcasting it all on FB. Then Vance told me his friend had called that morning, but we were still asleep. Regardless, the news sent me on another meltdown for a bit.

The next day, I had to go to work. I had to suck it up and deal with it. I had to move forward. That's one of the best things I could/can do. I'm still coming to terms with everything and researching about possibilities and such. We decided to go ahead with the meds and see what happens with my cycle in the next few months. Hopefully this is our ticket to pregnancy. Please keep praying for us!!

"Update:" I originally wrote this post on 12/16/11. I was in a good place and felt like I could share an update without crying through it all. [I succeeded!] Anyway, it is now 12/18, and I need to add something I saw today on Post Secret. Someone's secret they sent in could have easily been mine. It isn't mine. Nor is mine truly a secret since I write it all on a blog, but I think you'll catch my drift. 

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Post Secret also has message boards. People go to the message boards and talk about the secrets. I stumbled upon the boards while looking for the Post Secret email address (still didn't find the email addy!) Anyway, one of the responses to the post card above said something that made me cry as well as say, "YES! That person totally gets it! Well said!" Here is what the poster said...

chastarue Community Member Joined: 28 Jun 2008 Location: Colorado

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:20 pm    Post subject: Adoption is not a cure for infertility. While I see the point and it's difficult for many to understand, including myself at times, it is a completely different experience. I am a huge adoption supporter (in the process currently) but it is simply not a cure for infertility. It can be an alternative to those who have mourned the loss of their fertility and the loss to conceive biological children and have decided that this is a road they can see themselves on. But it is not a replacement nor a substitute to giving life to your own child. I wish ALL people would consider adoption, fertile or not, but I know my infertile best friend hates hearing how they should give up and adopt. Why don't people say that to "fertile" people as well?

As much as my husband and I want to adopt, it's just a completely different experience. It's nice to know that people, other than non-fertile individuals, can actually "get it!"

EDIT (12/20/11): We decided to go ahead with the Metformin for the next couple of months and see what it does for my cycle. We then may request Clomid in addition to Metformin. We'll see what happens. :-)

If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Pinterest Wordless Wednesday 12/14

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If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!

Testing the Swimmers Part I--Guest Post By The Hubs

I am pleased to announce that today marks a very monumental day for Angela's Favorite Things! Today is the first guest post we've ever had. Who better to write a guest post than that author of The Vance View, my husband, the hubs, Vance? I've tried to keep you all updated on our TTC journey with the most recent info, feelings, potential conceptions, etc. Well, what has been lacking is a male prospective! I cannot express what my husband is feeling along the way any better than he can fully express what I'm feeling/thinking. In this three-part segment, Vance, the hubs, will share his point of view on our TTC efforts and his role in getting tested!


xo,
Angela

Tune in tomorrow to read Part II of this three part guest series to read about Vance's anticipation leading up to the whole testing process!

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Before my wife and I got married, we talked about the future, but the one subject that kept coming up was kids. We both wanted them. The question was when? We discussed birth control for the first year and also having kids right away. After thinking about it, I knew what I wanted. At 30 years old, I didn’t really want to wait very long. The way I looked at it was once we got married in June, it was less than two months before I was 31. If we waited a year, I would be 32 when we started trying, and I really didn’t want to be a first time father at 33 or 34. So the decision was made! We were going for it; we wouldn’t get on the birth control train. We wanted to enjoy each other, and enjoy being newlyweds, but we wanted to get pregnant too.

So off we went! For the first couple of months we didn’t worry about cycles and ovulation, or anything of that sort. Then as the weeks and months went on, we started to get a little discouraged. I secretly felt like a huge failure as a man and husband. My wife, on the other hand, went to town on the research. We both knew she wasn’t the most regular when it came to that “time” of the month, but we pressed on. Now, as any couple that has issues conceiving knows all too well, the act of making a baby stops being fun after about the fifth failed attempt and turns into pressure and disappointment. As a man, it is also a huge hit to the ego, I know that’s how I felt anyway. It started to get harder and harder to get into the mood, and I started to get very depressed. At the time, I didn't express this to anybody, not even Angela.

Then, this past summer, we really thought we were pregnant! It was well past “that” time of the month, and I just knew we had finally succeeded! We went out and bought the "family pack" of pregnancy tests, but everyday was the same...no period and a negative test. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t break every time she said negative again. We talked to a ton of people that had the same issue, store bought tests coming up negative. We needed to get a real test, but unfortunately my company’s pathetic insurance plan makes it impossible to insure my wife. We researched alternative options. We found that there are a lot of resources available if you just look. So, the next step was going to a place that specialized in this. We found a pregnancy center that was right down the street and we went right in. My hopes were quickly crushed when that test came up negative as well. At this point I wanted to dig a hole and jump in it. I was so down it wasn’t even funny, but I had to be strong, or at least I thought I did. We asked the lady in charge, Nancy, where we could get a blood drawn test for cheap. She gave us the number of a place that would do this. The name is Southside United Health and Wellness Center. After getting lost more than once, we finally found the place and went in to get the test. This was my last hope of good news, and I needed it at that point. It took around 3 days to get the results…NEGATIVE!! The disappointment on my beautiful wife’s face was almost too much to bear! I have never felt like that in my life! I wanted to scream, cry, and curse at God so bad at that point in time. My anger was close to getting the best of me. I know now that it was more hurt and sadness than anger, but hindsight is 20/20.

Our next step was making her lady exam appointment, which we did. When the day came, I went with her, and that is when the doctor gave us the name of a lab that could test my swimmers. Now I am really nervous! This ordeal has been very difficult for the both of us. But to find out it is my "fault"...that is something I don’t want to think about. So I really hope they swim like Michael Phelps, and not sink like the Greek economy.

(This post was written Nov. 7.)


Hey! Give my wife a vote for being so awesome!

Every Girl Is A Princess?

Recently, I read an article dealing with gender roles and how all too often girls are pegged into the "play mommy," "be a princess," or "play with barbies" categories. The article went on to further say that these gender roles are dangerous to the developing child and their perception of what it means to be a girl (or a boy.) It also said that only gender neutral ideas should be placed in child's head an that both types of gender toys should be included as a default, no matter what the child may show interest in. In my experience, I find this to be bull. I think gender roles have a certain cred. to them. I also don't think they have to be forced to be applicable. I don't recall my mom or dad EVER telling me I had to like pink, wear dresses (except to church because that's how church was back then,) or play princess. I liked pink when I was little, but later, my favorite color was green. It was green for well into early high school years when it morphed into purple, hot pink, black, and white. To this day, I love purple and hot pink.

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I rarely played princess growing up. I always wanted to be queen. Heh. We actually used to play what my sister, Hannah, refers to as "Amelia." I was around 12 or so. My sister, Kristin, was 11. Hannah was around 3. I was the queen, Kristin was the princess, and Hannah was the servant girl. Now, don't be alarmed about what I'm going to say next. Hannah, always played the part of Amelia, the servant girl...naked. She was the kid who would shed her clothes shortly after we put them on her. We have a video of her naked with her butt in the air digging in the garden and playing with the hose. No lie. She's 16 now and probably LOVES that I'm sharing this with you, but nonetheless, it happened! Anyway, so Hannah always was Amelia, the naked servant girl. She sometimes wore an apron, if I could convince her to do so. We all loved this game! Hannah loved getting us drinks, "sweeping," fanning us, etc. SHE would ask to play this game, and being such good big sisters, Kristin and I were always willing. :-D That's about as close to playing princess as Kristin and I really got.

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Kristin and I played Barbies like it was our job. We also played school quite often. We loved our American Girl dolls (I have Samantha, Kristin has Kirsten and Hannah has Kit.) We liked going on adventures in the woods down by the creek. We rode our horse. We had picnics. We played sports (I was a softball and basketball gal. Kristin was a cheerleader and soccer player. Hannah is a swimmer and soccer player.) Kristin and I went through a power ranger and teenage mutant ninja turtles phase. We loved Batman, Gargoyles is still, to this day, one of my favorite cartoons. We also loved Carebears, Polly Pockets, and Lizzie McGuire. We are all girls. We all liked girly and non-girly things.

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Today, my sister Kristin, is 24 and a crunchy hippy. Ha. Ok. Not exactly...but close. She loves hiking, camping, music festivals, etc. and she's still very feminine. Hannah is 16 and is a HUGE flirt. She loves color guard, tutus, and really crappy music. (She doesn't think it's crappy, though.) She can get down and dirty working in the garden and doesn't bat an eye. I am a 25 year old wife who adores her husband. I love sparkles, babies, and crafting/sewing. I hate being sweaty/dirty, but if it's serving others or improving my life, I am more than willing. We all were raised the same way, in the same house, by the same parents, with the same values, and with pretty much the same toys. We are not defined by our gender, but we all seem to embrace being female, while not being over the top girly girls. (As I discussed this post with the hubs and Hannah, we came to the conclusion that at this stage in life, I am by far the most girly girl out of the three sisters.)

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What do you think of traditional gender roles? Do you feel like the psychological community is putting too much emphasis on not defining gender roles or not enough? Do you feel like society forces us into gender roles? Remember, no opinion is better than another, just don't expect me to agree with you, if our opinions differ! ;-)

Bella Parola Giveaway!

Hello Blog Land!

A few entries ago, I wrote about my new business, Bella Parola. Well, as luck would have it, Krista and Jamie from The Playdate Crashers, stumbled upon my Etsy page and liked what they saw! Krista contacted me about doing a giveaway on their blog...and I agreed :-)

If you'd like to enter, please head on over to the Bella Parola Giveaway and fill out the entry form! Contest ends Monday, July 25th at 11:59pm. If you win, you'll either receive a digital copy of the print you choose or design to be printed wherever you so choose OR a hard copy of the print that is already professionally printed for you.

So what are you waiting for? Head on over to the giveaway and enter! :-)

Pregnancy, Prints, and Parola, Oh My!

Greetings friends!
I realize I have been absent for quite a bit these past couple of weeks. For that I apologize. I am just working a lot, starting a new business, feeling naused out, etc. So...let's get down to business.

I know my post title mentions pregnancy and for anyone who read my last blog entry, TTC, you know my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for the past year or so. Well...I am not getting my hopes up too high, nor am I jumping to conclusions, but let me lay the facts out for you...
1. I used an ovulation prediction kit this month. I got a smiley face (meaning I was going to ovulate within a couple of days) June 21st, or day 19 of my cycle.
2. My cycle lasts 31-34 days.
3. The hubs and I did the baby dance (Thanks Amy @ Dandelion Paperweight for that term! Love it!)
4. I have been naused out for the last week and a half to two weeks. It only happens every so often. I've only had the urge to vomit 2 or 3 times during that time.
5. I'm on day 39 of my cycle. Still no period or signs that I'm going to get one.
6. I have taken two pregnancy tests that came back negative.
7. My mom's second pregnancy (my sister Kristin) only came back positive with a blood test.
8. My mom only had real "morning" sickness with my sister, Hannah (her third pregnancy.)
Conclusion: I might be pregnant. I might not be pregnant. Still too early to tell, but it's nice to think of the possibility, without allowing my hopes to get up too high. Every time I go to the bathroom, I'm afraid I'm going to see the start of my period. So far...so good. Keep praying for/thinking of me, please! Positive thoughts, people, positive thoughts!!

Which brings me to item number two/three in my title. Prints and Parola. Prints as in the digital kind. Parola as in "word" in Italian. I have now opened an Etsy shop called Bella Parola (meaning Beautiful Word) selling digital prints. Each print can be customized with background color, font type, font color, and optional single or double borders. Each print is 300ppi and is emailed to you as an 8x10 JPEG file. You may then print it at home or have it professionally printed at Wal-Mart, Shutterfly, CVS, etc. You may use the print in your own home decorating in places such as nurseries, bedrooms, living rooms, entry ways, hallways, etc. OR give a framed copy to a friend or family member as a gift. Don't see the quote/song lyric/saying/verse that you'd like? No problem! Just email me with your request and I will make one for you! I also have a Bella Parola Facebook page. If you have FB, please check me out and "like" my page on there, too!

Here are a few "proof" samples:

TTC

People say the hardest years of marriage are the first three years, especially the first year. I find that difficult to believe. I would think the first year of your first child's life would be most difficult. However, if the first year of marriage is any indication of what's to come with the hubs, then I am SO excited about it. :-) I know a lot of people go through growing pains their first year or so of marriage, but Vance and I seemed to adjust fairly easily. We have had two fights the entire time we've known each other. Yep. Just two. We just don't fight. We choose to discuss instead of fight. Now, don't get me wrong, we've disagreed on some things and have had to come to a compromise or discuss things until we came to common ground, but we pretty much refuse to let ourselves get heated with each other. After all, when you're on the same team, it's not a good idea to go against each other.

Even though this last year of marriage was amazing, it had the potential to be toxic. Ever since day one of our marriage, we've been trying to conceive (TTC.) Emphasis on trying. I've never been on birth control. We've never used birth control. I've never had any issues with my internal lady parts. I do not have PCOS. I do not have ovarian cysts. However, I do not have a regular cycle and when it is regular, it is usually 31-34 days long instead of the standard 28 days. I am grateful that I DO ovulate, though it may not be as regular or as "standard" as I'd like.

From before the hubs and I were married, we day dreamed about starting a family right away. I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a wife and a mommy. I thought I also wanted to be a teacher, but now that I am a "grown-up," I know I am called to fulfill my role as wife and mommy first and foremost. The hubs and I knew that not everyone got pregnant the first month, but we were optimistic as my mom and aunts are very fertile as it seems. ;-) Well...after three-four months of not getting me period on the days I "should" and taking early pregnancy tests and normal tests. I still wasn't pregnant. I was very discouraged. I also wasn't getting my period every month, which again, is disheartening as no period=no ovulating. No ovulating=no chance of getting pregnant that month. Around Thanksgiving though, my period came. Then it came in December. Then in January, February, March, April, and May. It was every 31-34 days. Although I wasn't conceiving, it was still nice of the reminder that I am able to. I am ovulating. Praise God for that! 

I have had many moments this past year where I've felt alone, even with the hubs right by my side. I have had irrational feelings of desperation, loneliness, being forsaken, etc. I had a couple times where I screamed and cried and asked God "WHY?! Why do others get babies when I don't? Why do unwed teenagers get babies and I don't? Why do negligent mothers get babies and I don't? Why does Michelle Duggar get 19 babies and I can't even have ONE?!" After a couple of nights of asking those questions, dealing with the reality of people having babies all around me, and having meltdowns where all I could do was sob, I came to the realization that it isn't about me. It isn't about what I'm doing right or wrong. It isn't about what Vance is or isn't doing. It isn't about what we want and getting it when we want it. It's about what God wants and about HIS timing.

Do you remember me saying that Vance and I daydreamed about starting a family right away even before we were married? We also prayed for God to do it in HIS timing. It took me several months to remember that prayer. It took me several moments of selfishness to remember HE reigns. It took me several moments of brokenness to remember that I do not live for myself but for the Almighty God. He knows what's best for me. He knows the desires of my heart. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my comforter, my rock, and my salvation. 

I am in a MUCH better place mentally and spiritually than I was several months ago. However, I still have my down moments and still have my jealous moments when it seems like everyone is pregnant. I've had to "hide" a lot of my pregnant friends on Facebook. If any of them read this, please know that it is nothing personal. I did it for my mental health. I am VERY happy for every person/couple who recently had a baby and who are pregnant currently. My lack of pregnant belly does NOT make me any less excited and happy for those who have conceived. :-)

So, where do we go from here? 

1. I started an ovulation kit this month to see when my LH levels surge and we can TTC when I am most fertile. It takes most of the guessing work out of it. 

2. We're going to go see a doctor within the next couple of weeks to make sure everything is still kosher with me and my basement area. 

3. We're going to ask for me to be put on Clomid if everything in my lady parts region checks out.

4. We're going to keep TTC, while trusting God to be the ultimate decider.

5. I'm working out 5-6 times a week to try to get my body in a healthier state. It's easy to conceive/carry a baby if you're in good shape. Go HERE to see how I'm doing/encourage me!

What Can You Do For Me?

1. Don't tell me to relax, and it will happen. I reserve the right to bite your head off if you do not heed this warning.

2. Pray for us! Pray for us to conceive. Pray for us to be patient. Pray for us to continue trusting God.

3. Don't discourage us. Don't tell us maybe it isn't the time or maybe God's plan isn't for us to conceive or that adoption may be our only option. We do want to adopt, but we don't want to hear that it's our only option, right now. As for God's plan, it may not be His timing yet, but we certainly don't need you or anyone else reminding us of that...especially if you already have a kid or two.

4. Encourage us. Let us know you're praying for us. If you aren't a praying person, let us know that you hope we conceive soon. Notes of encouragement are ALWAYS welcomed, just please be sensitive to what you say and the words you use to say it.

Thanks for being a supportive blog community. Thanks to those that post their struggles in their blogs. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.