I don't have a lot to say, which isn't normal for me.
I'm sad. A lot. I think I'm struggling with Depression. It happens every time around this year, but just like every other year, I don't remember it until it's hit. It's also a lot worse this year, because of the whole infertility thing. I don't think I'm ok, but I'm also not a self-harmer or suicidal or anything, so please don't worry about me, too much.
One of my Old Navy managers said to me on Saturday, "Are you not happy today, Angela?" Instead of getting into why I'm not happy (she's one of the managers who knows about our issues TTC) I just said, "Oh. Well, I'll fix that." I slapped on my happy "I'm working with customers" face and moved forward. Most customers do make me happy, though. The nice ones anyway. The rude/uninterested customers really should go to another line, because those are the customers that annoy me, so thus, I annoy them by laying the sweetness on extra thick. Heh. Killing them with kindness, eh, Mom?
I constantly feel the struggle to get up and do something when I'm alone. I just want to sit. All day. Do nothing. It isn't laziness. It's sadness. It's heavy. Sometimes I feel some anxiety over it. I don't think that's exactly healthy, but I'm not having anxiety attacks, so again, please don't worry about me, too much.
Vance has been amazing through all of this. He is so compassionate, understanding, loving, generous, and patient. If I were in his shoes, I'm not sure I would put up with half of what he's putting up with from me. Sometimes, when I'm exceptionally sad, I get angry, and I have an outburst. It isn't pretty, but he's there. He holds me even when I tell him to go away. He tells me he loves me when I'm not being lovable. He lets me cry. He let's me take up 3/4 of the bed because that's how I fell asleep. He is the best.
I don't want to be at church. We haven't been in Sunday school for a couple of months now. It's painful for me. It stresses me out. It isn't like anyone cares if we're there anyway. No one has reached out and asked us to come back...did I mention my best friend is in the class? Not even she has reached out. It's sad, but whatever. We got to service every once in a while, but I have to force myself to go. I don't want to be around a lot of people and at a church of 1400+, that's not exactly easy to avoid. My mom and dad...and my 16 year old sister...keep getting onto me about not being there. I know they have good intentions, but I just CAN'T do it right now. I think they worry about me, but they don't know how to express it. My dad is terrible at communicating, so it turns into a demand and possible yelling. My mom has backed off some and just lets us know she missed us, which I appreciate. My sister, Hannah, is hit or miss with whether she's going to be compassionate or demanding. She's a teenager. I expect that. Heh.
We have these things called Legacy groups on Sunday nights. Each year, at the beginning of each year (usually around February) the entire church signs up for home groups. Everyone goes to their home group each week for 5 weeks. We all do the same daily devotions, written by church staff, elders, deacons, and church members. We then meet up on Sunday night at the home we signed up for and go through the same lesson taught by different teachers. It's a pretty cool way to get to know people outside of the church building, in a smaller setting. Oh and we also eat a meal each week. Gotta love food and fellowship, right? On the 6th week, we all meet at the church and have a sort of celebration conclusion. People share how the Legacy groups have impacted them. We sing praises to God. We celebrate how God has sustained Pinedale (our church) and how he keeps growing us in numbers and in spiritual maturity.
Vance and I didn't sign up for one this year because I work 2-7 at Old Navy almost every Sunday. Legacy groups are 6-8. It just didn't seem fair for us to sign up and only show up once or twice. Well, Saturday evening, my grandma called me. She and my grandpa are a host home. She invited us to sign up for their home and to just come after I get off work each week, even if it's just for dinner (which is around 715 or so.) To say that I was touched she thought of us and invited us, would be an understatement. After we hung up, I cried. Seriously. My grandma reached out to me. She thought of me. She remembered me. I have a feeling she's seen a change in me and wants to help. I don't know though, and I'm not ready to ask. We agreed to go.
I normally get off around 6-615 lately because it's been so slow after Christmas; last night, I didn't get off until 6:45. We were short staffed. We did $4000 over the projected sales. We had over 1100 people come into the store when we've been averaging 700-800 people on a Sunday. I almost called Grandma and said we wouldn't be there since it was so late, and I was tired. I didn't though. I realized that her reaching out like that was a big deal to me and that I wasn't going to let her down. I am really glad we didn't bail. Although we only made it for about 5 minutes of the lesson and then prayer time, I'm glad we went. Oh and we also ate dinner, which was delicious Italian beef, scalloped potatoes, green beans, salad, and dessert. (I ate some of my mom's leftover spice cake she made for lunch...which was at Grandma's house earlier that day with the whole family.)
I'm glad we went last night. I hope I don't have to work next week, though. I also hope I don't have to work the following week, since I signed Vance and I up to bring stuffed shells. :-)
Ok. I guess I had more to say than I thought I did.
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