TTC

People say the hardest years of marriage are the first three years, especially the first year. I find that difficult to believe. I would think the first year of your first child's life would be most difficult. However, if the first year of marriage is any indication of what's to come with the hubs, then I am SO excited about it. :-) I know a lot of people go through growing pains their first year or so of marriage, but Vance and I seemed to adjust fairly easily. We have had two fights the entire time we've known each other. Yep. Just two. We just don't fight. We choose to discuss instead of fight. Now, don't get me wrong, we've disagreed on some things and have had to come to a compromise or discuss things until we came to common ground, but we pretty much refuse to let ourselves get heated with each other. After all, when you're on the same team, it's not a good idea to go against each other.

Even though this last year of marriage was amazing, it had the potential to be toxic. Ever since day one of our marriage, we've been trying to conceive (TTC.) Emphasis on trying. I've never been on birth control. We've never used birth control. I've never had any issues with my internal lady parts. I do not have PCOS. I do not have ovarian cysts. However, I do not have a regular cycle and when it is regular, it is usually 31-34 days long instead of the standard 28 days. I am grateful that I DO ovulate, though it may not be as regular or as "standard" as I'd like.

From before the hubs and I were married, we day dreamed about starting a family right away. I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a wife and a mommy. I thought I also wanted to be a teacher, but now that I am a "grown-up," I know I am called to fulfill my role as wife and mommy first and foremost. The hubs and I knew that not everyone got pregnant the first month, but we were optimistic as my mom and aunts are very fertile as it seems. ;-) Well...after three-four months of not getting me period on the days I "should" and taking early pregnancy tests and normal tests. I still wasn't pregnant. I was very discouraged. I also wasn't getting my period every month, which again, is disheartening as no period=no ovulating. No ovulating=no chance of getting pregnant that month. Around Thanksgiving though, my period came. Then it came in December. Then in January, February, March, April, and May. It was every 31-34 days. Although I wasn't conceiving, it was still nice of the reminder that I am able to. I am ovulating. Praise God for that! 

I have had many moments this past year where I've felt alone, even with the hubs right by my side. I have had irrational feelings of desperation, loneliness, being forsaken, etc. I had a couple times where I screamed and cried and asked God "WHY?! Why do others get babies when I don't? Why do unwed teenagers get babies and I don't? Why do negligent mothers get babies and I don't? Why does Michelle Duggar get 19 babies and I can't even have ONE?!" After a couple of nights of asking those questions, dealing with the reality of people having babies all around me, and having meltdowns where all I could do was sob, I came to the realization that it isn't about me. It isn't about what I'm doing right or wrong. It isn't about what Vance is or isn't doing. It isn't about what we want and getting it when we want it. It's about what God wants and about HIS timing.

Do you remember me saying that Vance and I daydreamed about starting a family right away even before we were married? We also prayed for God to do it in HIS timing. It took me several months to remember that prayer. It took me several moments of selfishness to remember HE reigns. It took me several moments of brokenness to remember that I do not live for myself but for the Almighty God. He knows what's best for me. He knows the desires of my heart. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my comforter, my rock, and my salvation. 

I am in a MUCH better place mentally and spiritually than I was several months ago. However, I still have my down moments and still have my jealous moments when it seems like everyone is pregnant. I've had to "hide" a lot of my pregnant friends on Facebook. If any of them read this, please know that it is nothing personal. I did it for my mental health. I am VERY happy for every person/couple who recently had a baby and who are pregnant currently. My lack of pregnant belly does NOT make me any less excited and happy for those who have conceived. :-)

So, where do we go from here? 

1. I started an ovulation kit this month to see when my LH levels surge and we can TTC when I am most fertile. It takes most of the guessing work out of it. 

2. We're going to go see a doctor within the next couple of weeks to make sure everything is still kosher with me and my basement area. 

3. We're going to ask for me to be put on Clomid if everything in my lady parts region checks out.

4. We're going to keep TTC, while trusting God to be the ultimate decider.

5. I'm working out 5-6 times a week to try to get my body in a healthier state. It's easy to conceive/carry a baby if you're in good shape. Go HERE to see how I'm doing/encourage me!

What Can You Do For Me?

1. Don't tell me to relax, and it will happen. I reserve the right to bite your head off if you do not heed this warning.

2. Pray for us! Pray for us to conceive. Pray for us to be patient. Pray for us to continue trusting God.

3. Don't discourage us. Don't tell us maybe it isn't the time or maybe God's plan isn't for us to conceive or that adoption may be our only option. We do want to adopt, but we don't want to hear that it's our only option, right now. As for God's plan, it may not be His timing yet, but we certainly don't need you or anyone else reminding us of that...especially if you already have a kid or two.

4. Encourage us. Let us know you're praying for us. If you aren't a praying person, let us know that you hope we conceive soon. Notes of encouragement are ALWAYS welcomed, just please be sensitive to what you say and the words you use to say it.

Thanks for being a supportive blog community. Thanks to those that post their struggles in their blogs. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.