Please Don't Give Up On Me Yet...

Not many of you out there in Blog Land (or you visitors from Facebook Land...welcome!) understand what it's like to want a baby so bad and keep getting denied month...after month...after month. I know that it doesn't always work on the first time. I know all the circumstances have to be PERFECT for a baby to conceive. I know that even with two people who have no personal infertility issues, it can still take awhile for them to make a baby. I KNOW all of those things, among others. However, when you FEEL the way I do, you don't CARE about the logistics. You don't care that you're doing everything that you can, because dang it, it just doesn't feel like you're doing enough when you aren't getting the results you desire.

I think it's difficult for me because I am a perfectionist. Not only is not being pregnant month after month heart-breaking, but it's also a slam against my pride. I feel kinda dumb for feeling this way, but they're my feelings and I'll feel them if I want to. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo. :-P Ok. All childishness aside, I feel like I should be DOING something else to make it work. I feel like I've done something to somehow make myself fail at this whole baby-making thing. Yes. I know. That's unreasonable. However, if you are a perfectionist, you know that often times, when things don't turn out the way we think they should, we often think of unreasonable/irrational explanations that somehow imply it's our own fault. (No? That's only something I do? Alrighty then.)

Source
If you don't get it, don't worry about it. It's a math joke about irrational numbers.

I guess what I find most frustrating right now is that regardless of that negative (read:stupid) blood-drawn pregnancy test, I still have all of the pregnancy signs that made me (and others) feel like I should get the dumb blood test to begin with! I still have weird spurts of nausea and headaches. I still have metal mouth at times. I still am fatigued. I still have bloatiness throughout my stomach that doesn't feel the same as it does during PMS. I still have crazy tender boobage. Like so sore that I can't sleep on my stomach because it crushes and hurts my nipples. (Sorry if that's TMI, but I'm trying to get my point across.) I still haven't gotten my period. I'm on day 49 of my cycle. (I've had a regular 31-34 day cycle since last September.)My husband even looked at me two nights ago and said, "Have your boobs gotten bigger?" Great. I already have DD's. I don't need them getting bigger for no flipping reason!

So what to conclude?
A) The blood test was wrong.
      Yes, I know it happens. Yes, so-and-so's sister's cousin's second cousin had it happen to her, but that doesn't mean that's the case with me. There's the exception and the rule. The rule is that blood tests are accurate. There is always a small percentage that the blood test is wrong, but those cases are not as common, thus they are the exception. Until further notice, I consider myself the rule, not the exception.
B) I just skipped my period this month and everything will go back to the way it was next month.
     This is my hope anyway...if A doesn't pan out. I just hope that something in my insides didn't go haywire to where it won't fix itself naturally. In the past, I didn't know when my period was coming. I didn't know if I'd get it at all. In college, I was stressed, overworked, and underslept most of the time, so it never surprised me to miss my period. Hopefully, whatever is going on with my body will straighten itself out...if A isn't true.
C) Something is medically wrong.
     I'm not fully ready to grasp this reality, so we shall revisit it another time.

I'm taking it a day at a time...

P.S. Be sure to come back tomorrow for Bella Parola's first ever Friday Freebie!! :-)