I've avoided this post for a bit because I know this could potentially offend or upset certain people who I know read my blog. After reflecting on my intentions of writing this post, I realized I need to blog about this. These are my feelings, and I shouldn't be afraid to share them. Before reading this post, please understand I mean no disrespect or offense to ANYONE. This is just where I am right now. My feelings have nothing to do with anyone else. I blame no one for my feelings, and I truly hope no one takes any of these things I'm about to say personally. (If you feel like you may be easily offended, please skip the portions of the text between the lines for an update on our TTC/Fertility Journey!)
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Lately I've been feeling kind of pissed off. Like not just all "woe is me, I'm not pregnant." No. I've been angry. I've been judgmental. I've been a really big jerk in my mind/heart. You may be thinking, "That doesn't sound like the Angela I know and love!" To that I reply, "Thanks for thinking so highly of me, but sometimes I can be a really big B!"
I have a few friends that are TTC. Most of them are in the first few months of the process. Every time one of them complains/shares that they aren't pregnant this month, I just want to smack them and say, "DID YOU EXPECT TO GET PREGNANT IMMEDIATELY???" When they blog/email/FB about their checklists, their ovulation prediction kits, their cycles adjusting back to normal after being on birth control, their negative tests after only a couple months of TTC, I seriously almost lose it. I get angry. I get sad. I get bitter. I think to myself, "Who are they to even be disappointed at this point in their journey? Who are they to even complain that they've been trying for three months to get pregnant and nothing has happened? Who are they to be disappointed in not having a Christmas pregnancy? I have had TWO Christmases pass without a pregnancy. I have had 19 months, almost two YEARS pass without a pregnancy. How dare THEY feel sorry for themselves for not getting pregnant after a few months when I've been trying to get pregnant for SO MUCH LONGER!"
Then I realize, who am I to think that MY journey is so much more difficult than theirs? Who am I to pass judgment on those other women? Who am I to discredit their moments of sorrow? Who am I to be so angry with others who are going through the same thing I am? No matter how long someone else may be going through something, they're still going through it. True, I have had to endure heartache for a longer amount of time, but in some ways, I'm emotionally better off than some of those women who are just starting their journey.
I still get irritated when I'm having a low moment/day, but I am truly working on my heart. I want my heart to be in line with Christ's. I don't think it's possible to be in tune with Jesus when there's malice living in my heart. Since I cannot fathom not being at ONE with Christ, I pray constantly to overcome these angry feelings and let God have full control over this situation.
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So...what's going on these days? Psch. Nothing too exciting. I've finished up a month+ of Metformin. Is it working? I'm not sure yet. It isn't one of those fast acting drugs. It takes a few months. I will say this month's period was much lighter than it ever has been, so I imagine Metformin is doing SOMETHING. I have lost some weight, but I'm not sure how much since I haven't weighed myself in a couple of weeks.
Met has kinda screwed with me this past month. It has some yucky side affects like diarrhea and gas. Some moments/days I'm 100% fine. Some days are hellish. Being on my period and taking Met was an experience! I felt so full because of all of the gas in my belly. Every time I'd get a good burp, I could FEEL my stomach deflate a little. It was SO weird! (Sorry if this is TMI, but for those of you who have "been there" you totally get it!)
We're STILL battling the hubs' insurance with getting his swimmers tested, thus the reason he hasn't posted a follow-up about that whole experience. They have the results...we just can't get them until the stupid insurance people pay for the test!!!
My Facebook profile is still deactivated and will remain so for a while longer. I don't miss it. I feel more at peace when I'm not constantly being reminded of everyone's pregnancies. Vance says I'm happier now that I'm not on FB. I'm kind of disappointed with how few people are actually keeping in contact with me, but that's how it goes right? Out of sight, out of mind? (Thanks to those of you who HAVE kept in touch! It means so much to me!)
Now onto some semi-exciting news. We might be adding our name to the infant adoption program in Greensboro, NC. We haven't decided yet, nor do we have nearly enough information to make a decision yet. (I'm a researcher!) Adoption is just something we both feel strongly about. (Vance's 6 younger siblings are all adopted, after all!) We're considering going ahead with getting our names on the list and all the while keeping on with our efforts at TTC. Adoption, especially infant adoption, is a crazy journey all of it's own, but it's a journey we both feel like we'll take at some point in our lives. We're unsure if THIS is the time, but we're listening and waiting for God's guiding hand at this time. I do ask for your prayers, though. This is a huge decision and a huge step! We truly don't want to go into this before God's approval!
That about covers it, for now. If you have any questions, please feel free to leave them in the comments or email me using the contact tab above! :-)
Update (1/23, 11:56am): Thank you so much for the emails I've gotten already. You all are so encouraging. Thanks for not making me feel like a royal jerk for my feelings and for understanding where I'm coming from. You guys rock. :-)
If you could take 2 seconds and give this a click, it would mean so much to me! Thank you!!
